


we're not getting married

by bi_lovely



Series: we're not getting a dog [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Blink and you'll miss it, Brief suicidal thoughts, Can be read alone, Comfort, F/M, Flashbacks, Hurt, It just hurts, Kidnapping, M/M, Memories, More Flashbacks, Nightmares, Pain, Poor Bucky, Torture, it is not cute, it was supposed to be cute, like so brief, mind reading of sorts, more nightmares, part of a series, please let me know if i missed any tags/warnings, the T rating is kinda just to be safe, the dogs are not in it as much as i wanted them to be
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-05
Updated: 2016-06-05
Packaged: 2018-07-12 11:11:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7100731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bi_lovely/pseuds/bi_lovely
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Well, he’s got a point, Steve,” Tony said one day when he and Steve were hanging out in the Avengers Compound. Steve had been complaining about Bucky’s constant nagging on the subject of marriage. </p><p>“Excuse me?” Steve raised his eyebrows. </p><p>“Why don’t you want to marry him, Cap?” Tony shook his head. “I don’t get it. The things you’ve done for that man… I know you love him. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to love anyone quite as much as you love Bucky — if you tell Pepper I said that, I’ll bury you alive.”</p><p>Steve didn’t say anything. </p><p>“Why won’t you marry him?”</p><p>“That’s really my business, isn’t it, Tony?”</p><p>***</p><p>Bucky really wants to get married but Steve doesn't. Tensions run high, relationships crumble, and Bucky really needs to do something about those nightmares. </p><p>/This is part of a series, but can be read alone./</p>
            </blockquote>





	we're not getting married

    Steve had fought Bucky as best he could on the matter, but in the end they got a dog. A shaggy brown dog with white spots and only three legs who wore the American flag bandana that Steve had picked out for him with a look that was quite unmistakable — it was a look of pride. (Or, at least, that’s what Steve said. Bucky said he was being ridiculous.)

But anyway, Steve had lost the fight against getting a dog — and now that Sergeant was in their lives, he was quite happy that he did — but he was sure he would not lose the new battle that was posing itself against him; marriage.

Ever since Tony and Pepper had announced that they were getting married, Bucky had been obsessed!

“We should get married, Steve,” Bucky would say at least once a day.

“No,” was always Steve’s plain and simple answer.

    “But why not?” Bucky asked.

    Steve would never answer, though. He was sure that Bucky was beginning to think that he didn’t _want_ to marry him — this was not the case, not at all. Of course Steve wanted to marry Bucky, he loved him more than anyone else. It just wasn’t possible.

    He was determined to never tell Bucky why he feared marrying him so much.

    Bucky’s obsession with getting married got much worse soon enough as Tony and Pepper’s wedding came and went, but weeks later after Tony and Pepper had gotten back from their honeymoon Bucky’s questions about why they shouldn’t get married still hadn’t ceased.

    “Well, he’s got a point, Steve,” Tony said one day when he and Steve were hanging out in the Avengers Compound. Steve had been complaining about Bucky’s constant nagging on the subject of marriage.

    “Excuse me?” Steve raised his eyebrows.

    “Why don’t you want to marry him, Cap?” Tony shook his head. “I don’t get it. The things you’ve done for that man… I know you love him. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to love anyone quite as much as you love Bucky — if you tell Pepper I said that, I’ll bury you alive.”

    Steve didn’t say anything.

    “Why won’t you marry him?”

    “That’s really my business, isn’t it, Tony?” Steve raised his eyebrows.

    “Oh, yeah,” Tony agreed. “Yeah, of course it is. But it’s kind of Bucky’s, too, isn’t it?”

    Steve crossed his arms and avoided looking at Tony.

    “Steve, a few months ago when you kept insisting you weren’t going to get a dog, you said something,” Tony said, leaning on the counter and looking at his friend curiously. “Something that I haven’t really been able to stop thinking about. You said that Clint and Natasha were foolish for getting married, of all things… Now, why would you say something like that?”

    “Never mind, Tony,” Steve shook his head.

    “Steve — ”

    “I need to get home, Tony,” Steve stood.

    “Steve, wait — ”

    “Goodbye.”

In another few weeks, Bucky was definitely beginning to seem a little hurt and Steve realized that his worst fears were being realized; Bucky thought that Steve didn't want to marry him.

Steve wanted to tell him that this couldn't be further from the truth but he didn't know how to do that without admitting everything he was afraid of.

 

Sometimes he went over it in his head, mulling over his thoughts, and it sounded really stupid. But then he'd go to bed, thinking it over again and again, and then he'd wake up the next morning believing his fears were warranted once more.

It took many months for Bucky to drop the subject of marriage, and even when he did he would still give Steve a pointed look whenever anyone mentioned anything to do with it.

Snow was soon covering the ground all over D.C., and Sergeant was ecstatic. Digging his nose into the snow and kicking it around quickly became his favorite thing to do, and watching him playing in the snow quickly became Bucky's favorite thing to do.

Steve, on the other hand, was working more than ever. He was leaving the apartment early in the morning and returning late at night. He and Bucky were barely spending any time together — unless you count sleeping in the same bed, but Bucky was often asleep already when Steve got home, and sometimes didn’t wake up until after Steve left again the next morning.

It had taken a while to get Tony, Rhodey, and Vision on board with going against the Accords, but eventually they had agreed that the whole system was rather corrupt. But even after they had the three of them convinced, there was still so much to do. Doing away with the Accords wasn’t just a matter of ripping up the paper they’d signed; they were, essentially, fighting the law.

They were very close to being released from the documents and officially becoming a private team once again (after having made several very good points to a judge), but handling the Accords wasn’t the only thing they had weighing them down.

“Wait,” Clint said when Thor delivered some very bad news to the team. “I thought you said Loki was dead.”

“I did,” Thor nodded. “I believed him to be dead, truly… I _watched him die_.”

“Another one of his tricks, then?” Natasha sighed.

“It would appear so,” Thor nodded.

“Who’s Loki?” Wanda asked.

“He is my brother,” Thor explained. “And he — well — he has done some things. Some things that — well — ”

“Some things that resulted in _us_ having to take him down,” Tony said. “You could say that Loki brought the Avengers Initiative together because we were united to stop him.”

“So, now what?” Wanda asked. “Do we stop him?”

“Our course of action should be taking him hostage, at the very least,” Vision said.

“He has been causing spots of trouble in other realms,” Thor said. “But he has not touched this world.”

“ _Yet_ ,” Natasha said.

Thor glared at her.

“You know I’m right,” Natasha crossed her arms. “He _hates_ this world, and he _despises_ all of us. How long do you really think this world will be safe from him?”

“We should find him now,” Steve said.

“That would require entering other realms,” Thor said.

“So let’s do it,” Rhodey said. “Let’s enter some other realms.”

“I’m with Rhodey and Steve,” Sam nodded. “Are we really supposed to just sit here until Loki decides to show up and leave all those other worlds to fend for themselves?”

“They are more than capable of handling themselves,” Thor said. “They are very powerful _and_ I have sent many Asgardian warriors to aid them. We do not need to go.”

“Thor’s right,” Fury said. “We should stay put, start getting ready for whatever kind of shit Loki is going to bring when he shows up here.”

“We need as many people on board as we can get,” Clint said.

“That’s for sure,” Fury nodded. “But who else can we bring in?”

“There’s a kid in Queens,” Tony said. “Peter Parker. He’ll be on board — trust me.”

“A kid?” Fury raised his eyebrows. “How old?”

Tony shrugged. “Well, he was in high school last time I saw him — about three years ago. So college age, probably nineteen or twenty.”

“Alright, bring him in,” Fury nodded. “What else’ve you got?”

“Scott Lang,” Clint said. “I can have him here and briefed by dinner time.”

“You want to bring in _Ant Man?_ ” Fury raised his eyebrows at Clint. “You want me to put the guy who _shrinks_ on this team? Are you crazy? What kind of fool do you think I am?”

“You’ve never seen the guy fight, Nick,” Natasha shook her head. “He’s good. He’s really good.”

Fury sighed heavily. “Okay. Alright. Bring in the little guy. Who else?”

“T’Challa,” Natasha said. “Black Panther. He’s all about peace and justice, especially nowadays, but I think I could get him on board.”

“Fantastic,” Fury said.

“I’ll call Bucky now,” Steve said.

“Wait a second, Cap,” Fury said. “I don’t want you to bring Barnes in. Not unless we absolutely need another person.”

Steve frowned. “But why not?”

“Well...Barnes has been through a hell of a lot,” Fury said. “And I’m worried about him becoming — _compromised_ — while on a mission.”

“ _Compromised?_ He’ll be _fine!_ ” Steve glared. “Nick, he can help us!”

“No, it’s not happening,” Fury shook his head.

“I don’t know, man,” Sam said to Fury, shaking his head. “Steve knows Bucky better than anyone. If he says Bucky’ll be fine, we should probably listen to him.”

“Yeah, I’m with Steve,” Tony said and everyone looked at him in shock when he said, “I think it’s in our best interest to bring Barnes in. We need as much help as we can get, right?”

    “But the people who help us should be in a fit mental state,” Natasha said.

    “NATASHA!” Steve snapped.

    “Come on, Nat,” Clint said. “If Tony and Steve agree on something, it’s got to be the right thing to do because that never happens. We should bring him in.”

    “Clint, you don’t know what he went through,” Natasha shook her head. “Not really. I don’t blame him for all things he’s done but think about it — he was brainwashed, forced to do things he would never do. They may have gotten all that shit out of his head, but they can’t wipe out those memories.”

    “I may not know exactly what Hydra did to him, but I know how that _feels,_ ” Clint said angrily.

    “I’m with Natasha,” Rhodey said.

    “Rhodey!” Tony said in protest.

    “No, Tony, listen,” Rhodey said. “You’ve told me about this Loki guy. If he can control minds, is that really the kind of person we want Bucky to be around? You don’t think that’ll send him spiraling into an anxiety attack or something?”

    “ _I_ can control minds and Bucky’s always been fine being around me,” Wanda pointed out. “I think we should bring him in.”

    “Yeah, but you’re on the same side as him,” Rhodey said.

    “I still say we should bring him in,” Wanda crossed her arms.

    “I think not,” Vision said.

    “Cap, tell me something,” Fury said. “How have Barnes’s nightmares been?”

    Steve considered telling him that they’d been getting better and better with every passing day, but he did a double take, Fury clearly saw him hesitate.

The truth was that the nightmares were getting worse all the time. For a while, after they’d adopted Sergeant, everything had been even better than before; the nightmares were rare and Bucky hardly had any attacks of anxiety or post traumatic stress disorder. But in the past month or so, unexplainably, it had all come rushing back.

Steve often found himself shaking Bucky awake in the middle of the night after being awoken by terrible screams. Sometimes Bucky just screamed in pain, and sometimes he yelled thing about Hydra, and sometimes he spoke in German — Steve couldn’t figure out which frightened him the most.

“Steve?” Fury said.

Steve shook his head. “His nightmares have got nothing to with his ability to fight.”

“I can’t take that risk,” Fury shook his head. “Wouldn’t you feel safer keeping him out of all this, anyway?”

“I’d feel safer if I could be with him — keep my eye on him — while a homicidal maniac is running loose and most likely dead set on ruining our lives,” Steve said bitterly.

Fury stared at him for a long time, then said, “Dr. Banner, you haven’t said a word. What do you think we should do with Barnes?”

Bruce took a few moments to consider this, then sighed. “I’m sorry, Steve, but Nick’s right. Bucky is better off staying home until he’s fully recovered.”

“I can’t believe this,” Natasha suggested.

“Good idea, Natasha,” Fury nodded. “All in favor of bringing Barnes in — ” Steve, Tony, Sam, and Wanda raised their hands into the air.

“Clint?” Steve raised his eyebrows.

Clint frowned. “Sorry, Steve, but I think they might be right. I know what it’s like, not being in control of your own mind, and I don’t want to go near a guy who could put me through it again — but that’s my job. We shouldn’t put Bucky through that.”

“ — and all in favor of leaving him out of this mission,” Fury said and he raised his own hand into the air along with Clint, Natasha, Rhody, Vision, Thor, and Bruce. “You’re outnumbered, Captain.”

Steve was furious — didn’t they get it? Didn’t they get that Bucky was _fine?_ Didn’t they get that Steve _needed to keep an eye on him?_

He was very quiet for the rest of the day. He didn’t say much when he got home, either, but neither did Bucky.

Late that night, when it was dark and they were curled up in bed with Sergeant sprawled across the foot of the bed, Bucky began to whine in his sleep. He jerked frightfully and though Steve tried to wake him, he had no luck.

“Bucky, wake up!”

He yelled and yelled for him to wake — and at one point he swore he heard a loud _BANG_ coming from the apartment above theirs — but Bucky did not wake up. He did, however, yell in a way that sounded like he was in a lot of pain.

“Bucky, come on, wake up…”

“ _Готов выполнить._ ”

“BUCKY!” Steve yelped and Bucky’s eyes flew open.

Though it wasn’t the first time Bucky had slipped into Russian in his sleep, something felt different about this time…somehow — he couldn’t quite put his finger on it.

That wasn’t it, though. It carried on. Nearly every night for the next week Bucky had a nightmare, and every time he did, he spoke those same words in Russian; “ _Готов выполнить._ ”

The next day at the compound, Steve found it very hard to pay attention to anything with the thought of those words weighing down on his mind.

He hardly paid any attention to Tony’s speech about how T’Challa had all eyes and ears on the lookout for Loki in Wakanda, or how Scott and Peter were both on standby.

In the midst of making plans to find Loki, Steve found a moment to pull Natasha aside. “I need to ask you a question,” he said.

“Okay, shoot,” she said.

“I need to know what something in Russian means,” Steve said.

“You know you could just type it into Google and that’ll tell you exactly what it means, right?” Natasha said.

“Shut up, I’m still not over cell phones,” Steve said.

Natasha laughed. “Okay, okay, I’m your translator, go ahead.”

“Okay,” Steve said. “ _Готов выполнить._ ”

Natasha’s face went chalk white and her eyes bulged out of their sockets.

“Did — did I pronounce that right?” Steve asked.

Natasha nodded slowly. “Where — ” she croaked, cleared her throat, but when she spoke again her voice was still hoarse, “where did you hear those words? Don’t tell me Bucky’s been saying them in his sleep.”

“Well, actually — er — yeah,” Steve said. “Yeah, he has. Why? What does it mean?”

“‘ _Ready to comply_ .’” Natasha told him and he felt as if he were going to be sick. “Steve, if Bucky’s saying that in his sleep — _in Russian_ — then Fury was absolutely right not to let you bring him on the team. He’s got to be having some _serious_ nightmares about Hydra.”

Steve tried to swallow the lump that had just appeared in his throat, but it didn’t seem to be going anywhere any time soon. “I don’t get it, though. He was doing so well up until a little while ago… Do you think it’s got anything to do with me not marrying him?”

“Come again?” Natasha raised her eyebrows.

“Oh, I thought I’d told you already,” Steve sighed. “He’s been going on about it for _months_ — ever since Tony and Pepper announced their engagement. He’s obsessed with the idea of us getting married.”

“Aw, you guys _should_ get married,” Natasha beamed.

Steve groaned. “Oh, no, not you, too.”

“Oh, come on!” Natasha said. “You two would make an adorable old married couple — and hey, you’ve already got the old and the couple part down, you just need to get married.”

“No,” Steve shook his head. “We can’t get married.”

“Steve, it’s not the 1940s anymore,” Natasha rolled her eyes. “Two guys _can_ get married.”

“I know that!” Steve said. “That’s not what I meant. I have my reasons.”

“Do you not want to marry him for some reason?” Natasha raised her eyebrows.

“No, no,” Steve shook his head quickly. “That’s not it at all, although I think that’s what Bucky’s starting to think. But that’s not it — I _do_ want to marry him.”

“So why don’t you?” Natasha questioned.

“I told you — I have my reasons,” Steve said.

“Well, what are — ” Natasha began but Steve shook his head and walked away. “Steve!” She called after him, but he didn’t look back at her.

Natasha’s translation was resting heavily on his mind over the next few days. Bucky’s nightmares continued and now that Steve knew what those words he kept saying — over and over, every night — were, it only worsened the sick feeling he got whenever he awoke to the sounds of Bucky yelling and screaming in his sleep.

Steve didn’t know what to do — he felt helpless and rather like he was failing Bucky.

Sergeant seemed as concerned about the nightmares as Steve did. Any time he could be around Bucky, he was. He slept curled up behind Bucky’s knees, he laid down at Bucky’s feet whenever he was eating and curled up with him whenever he was on the couch, when Bucky left the apartment Sergeant would whine and try to run out the door with him, and he would follow him into the bathroom and lay on the floor until he left.

Steve wanted, more than ever, to stay home with Bucky all day, every day. Unfortunately, it was simply impossible. He was needed at the compound more and more — they were beginning, now, to get some leads on where Loki was.

“Alright, everyone,” Tony sighed one day when they were hard at work. “Take a lunch break. I don’t want to hear Loki’s name for one hour, starting — now!”

They all spread out throughout the compound, raiding the fridge for food and then some of them went to find a quiet corner to eat in peace and others socialized.

Steve was sitting, alone, staring out a window when Natasha broke away from her conversation with Clint and Wanda and sat down next to him. “Hey,” she said.

“Hi,” he said.

“How’s Bucky been?” Natasha asked. “Have the nightmares gotten any better?”

“No.”

“Have they gotten _worse?_ ”

“Yes,” Steve sighed.

“What are you going to do about it?” Natasha asked.

“I don’t know,” Steve said bitterly. “I don’t have time to figure it out. I’m here all the time.”

Natasha frowned.

“You know, it’d be so much easier if he could just join the team,” Steve shook his head. “So much easier! I’m worried sick about him all day, every day, and if I could just keep an eye on him — ”

“And that’s exactly why he can’t join the team,” Natasha said. “If he’s in a mental state right now that makes you worry about him all the time, does that sound like someone who’s up for tracking down and tackling a _god?_ A homicidal, maniacal _god_.”

“I — well — ” Steve sighed heavily in defeat. “No...no, I suppose not.”

Natasha gave him a sympathetic look. “Why don’t you go home early, just this once, okay?”

“No, no, no,” Steve shook his head. “No, I need to stay and — and help the team.”

“Shut up and go look after him,” Natasha snapped. “Don’t tell anyone you’re leaving, just go. I’ll handle all of them once you’re gone.”

Steve strongly considered taking her offer for a moment and just taking off — it _would_ be nice to get home to Bucky earlier than usual, to keep an eye on him for all those extra hours.

“We’ve got a job to do, Natasha,” he said anyway, and he picked his plate up and headed toward the kitchen, grateful that she didn’t choose to follow him.

Steve returned to the apartment late that night. As he threw his car keys down on the kitchen table, he thought he heard something. His eyes drifted upward to the ceiling — it sounded like something was going on in the overhead apartment, but Steve shook his head. It was probably nothing, just his imagination, surely the people who lived above him and Bucky were just moving around.

He went into the living room and found Bucky fast asleep on the couch, slumped against the arm of the couch, Sergeant sprawled across his lap, both of them snoring lightly.

Steve smiled and grabbed a blanket from the bedroom, sat down on the sofa, and moved Sergeant so that he was laying across both of them. He leaned into Bucky and threw the blanket over the both of them and the dozing dog.

When Steve woke the next morning and realized that he had slept through the night — that _Bucky_ had slept through the night without having any nightmares — his heart leapt with hope.

“Slept well?” Bucky asked groggily.

“Yeah...you?” Steve asked.

“Better than I have in weeks,” Bucky said and he threaded his fingers through Steve’s and grasped his hand. Bucky stared down at their connected hands with a thoughtful expression.

Steve felt like he should say something — maybe this was a time to resolve some things, talk through some of the shit that was going on in their lives and work through it. But now that he was here, in a peaceful moment where he might actually be able to bring something up, he was drawing a blank and had no clue what he wanted to say.

“Can you stay home today?” Bucky asked, not daring to take his eyes off their clasped hands.

“I’d love to,” Steve sighed. “You know I would… But I can’t. Not now. I think we might finally be getting somewhere — we might finally have a real lead.”

“You said that weeks ago,” Bucky sighed. “Who are you trying to find, anyway?”

Steve frowned. He had been trying very hard to keep all the details of the case as far from Bucky as possible — if Bucky knew anything, he’d start digging deeper, and if he started asking questions to dig deeper into the case, he might find out that Fury (and many of the team members) wouldn’t allow him to help.

“Er,” Steve said, considering whether or not he should say anything. “Loki,” he said at last.

“Who’s Loki?” Bucky asked.

“Thor’s brother,” Steve said, trying to keep his answers short and simple, but he knew that Bucky wouldn’t stop now that he was on a roll.

“Why’re you trying to find Thor’s brother?” Bucky furrowed his brows.

“Well, he’s not exactly a great guy,” Steve frowned. “He’s — well — he’s killed a lot of people and — ”

“So have I,” Bucky said, still not meeting Steve’s eyes.

Steve’s eyes widened — Bucky was really starting to worry him now. “Bucky. That’s — that’s different. What’s the matter with you?”

“I was just saying — ” Bucky began but Steve interrupted.

“No, Bucky!” Steve cried. “No… Loki knew exactly what he was doing when he killed all those people, when he _destroyed an entire city_. He thinks killing is fun. He thinks he’s better than everyone else, he thinks he deserves to have control over this world because he’s more powerful than the people who live here.”

Bucky didn’t say anything.

“Bucky, listen to me,” Steve said firmly. “ _You are nothing like Loki_ . Okay? Do you hear me? Do _not_ compare yourself to Loki.”

Again, Bucky didn’t answer. Instead, he nudged Sergeant aside and got up. “You should probably get to the compound,” Bucky said. Steve opened his mouth to protest but before he could say anything, Bucky said, “I’m going to take a shower. Maybe I’ll see you tonight.”

Without another word, Bucky left the room and headed off to the bathroom, Sergeant following at his heels.

Steve sighed heavily. He was so lost — he didn’t know what to do anymore, he didn’t know how to help Bucky, and he was beginning to feel like they were —

 _NO!_ He couldn’t afford to think like that. They _weren’t_ falling apart! They were _fine!_

And with those thoughts in mind, Steve left the apartment and headed out to the Avengers Compound. He couldn’t shake the thoughts of what Bucky had said to him from his mind, though — those thoughts stayed with him throughout the day.

Natasha, noticed, of course, and kept trying to find a quiet moment to pull Steve aside and ask him about. But Steve, who was desperate to _stop_ thinking about it — let alone _talk_ about it, avoided her and did his best to make sure she didn’t find the opportunity.

After lunch they split into pairs to examine different bits of evidence that they had that may have placed Loki in a few different countries over the course of the previous couple of weeks.

Natasha immediately made to move toward Steve and volunteer to be his partner, but then Tony spoke. “Right, Natasha and Clint, you two can go together. Wanda and Thor, Bruce and Vision, Sam and Rhodey. Steve, you’re with me.”

Natasha glared at Tony, but followed Clint. Once everyone had cleared out, off to find a quiet spot to work in, Steve looked down at the files in front of him. “So,” he said. “If Loki’s been spotted along the borders of Wakanda, that could mean a lot of different things, right? It could mean he doesn’t know that we’re working with T’Challa and that’s why he went so close to Wakanda. Or maybe he _does_ know, and that’s why he never actually crossed the border. Or maybe he knows but doesn’t care — I don’t know if Loki would actually be intimidated by T’Challa, so… _Or_ maybe he knows and he’s just messing with our heads — that definitely sounds like something he’d do.”

Tony didn’t say anything.

Steve looked up at him. “Tony? What do you think?”

Tony gripped the back of a chair and fixed Steve with a hard stare. “What’s wrong?”

Steve raised his eyebrows. “Excuse me?”

“You seem — I don’t know,” Tony frowned. “You’re not acting like yourself today. Something’s bothering you, I can tell.”

Steve shook his head. “This isn’t what we should be talking about. We need to focus, we need to find Loki.”

“Tell me what’s wrong and then we will,” Tony said.

“No, we’re going to focus on Loki _now_ ,” Steve said, glaring at Tony, and when Tony didn’t turn his attention to the case files that were spread out across the table Steve added, “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“I think you do,” Tony countered.

“I _don’t_ ,” Steve snapped.

“Alright, knowing you, you probably really don’t want to talk about it,” Tony said. “I’m sure you’d much rather bottle up all your feelings and all your problems until it all just bursts within you, but that’s not good, Steve. You need to talk about the things that are bothering you.”

“No, Tony,” Steve said and he picked up a picture that showed someone who looked exactly like Loki — though it could very well be one of his trick’s — walking down a street barely a mile outside of Wakanda. “Now if Loki is — ”

But Tony was pulling the chair beside Steve out and sitting down and fixing his friend with another stare. “It’s about Bucky, isn’t it?”

Steve wanted to deny it but he hesitated and that gave him away.

“Right,” Tony nodded. “I know we’ve had our differences, and a lot of it had to do with Bucky, but that’s all in the past. All that crap is behind us — you can talk to me.”

“The differences we’ve had about Bucky in the past aren’t the reason that I don’t want to talk to you about these problems I’m having now,” Steve snapped. “I don’t want to talk to _anyone_ about what’s going on, it’s _my_ business and _Bucky’s_ business. No one else’s, you understand me?”

But Tony just kept staring at him.

“Oh, for _heaven’s_ sake!” Steve cried, exasperated. “If I talk to you about my problems, you swear we’ll focus on Loki?”

“Scout’s honor!” Tony said.

Steve rolled his eyes. “Well, it started around the time that Fury said we couldn’t bring Bucky onto the team. His nightmares had been getting bad again for a little while before then, but after that... I don’t know. Something changed…” and once he had started, he couldn’t quite stop himself.

Everything he’d been worrying about just came spilling out; how Bucky often uttered “ _Готов выполнить_ ” in his sleep and what it meant; he told Tony about how his heart sank every time he woke to Bucky’s screams; he told Tony how he just wanted to keep an eye on him but he was stuck at the compound all day, every day, and hardly ever got to see Bucky when he was awake; he told him, in a shaking voice, how Bucky had compared himself to Loki when he started asking questions about the case; he told Tony that he felt like his and Bucky’s relationship was falling apart at the seams and he was growing more and more terrified every day that he was going to lose him; and finally, he confessed that he was beginning to think their freaking dog was more helpful to Bucky right now than he was.

Tony just stared at Steve for a solid minute when he’d finished talking. Then, at last, he spoke. “Wow, okay,” he said, then went silent for a little while longer. “That’s — wow. He must be having some hardcore Hydra nightmares if he’s talking in Russian in his sleep, right? Especially if he’s saying — oh my god, this is crazy.”

“Yeah, I know…” Steve sighed. “I — I really think I’m going to lose him, Tony. I’m going to lose him _again_.”

“No,” Tony said firmly. “Okay? Listen — just — no. You’re not going to lose him. We’re going to make sure of that. You two are — well — I hate to sound all sappy, but you two are perfect for each other.”

“I used to think so, too,” Steve frowned.

“Stop it,” Tony snapped. “You are. Every relationship has its rough patches. Look at me and Pepper!”

“Yeah…” Steve said, looking thoughtful. “Do you — do you think things would get better if I married him?”

“That depends,” Tony shrugged. “Have you gotten over your crazy fear of getting married to him that I still can’t figure out for the life of me?”

“No.”

“Then no,” Tony said. “I mean, things might get better for a little while — emphasis on the word _might_ — but after a while, if you don’t deal with these issues properly, they _will_ come back. Trust me.”

“Because you have so much experience with dealing with your problems properly, right?” Steve asked sarcastically.

“Just trying to help you avoid the mistakes I’ve made,” Tony smiled.

Steve sighed. “Thanks, Tony.”

“Steve?”

“Tony, you said we could focus on Loki after we talked about my problems,” Steve huffed. “And as I’m here all day, every day, away from Bucky, _because_ of Loki, I’d really like to find him.”

“I know, I know,” Tony said. “Just one more thing.”

Steve sighed heavily. “Fine. What?”

“ _Why are you afraid to marry him?_ ” Tony asked eagerly.

“Still not telling you, Tony,” Steve said.

“Ugh, fine,” Tony rolled his eyes and he finally picked up a case file and read for a good — oh — fifteen seconds or so before throwing it down. “Oh, please tell me!”

“No!”

“Please!”

“Drop it, Tony!”

“Pretty please with a cherry on top!”

“Get this through your thick skull — _I’m. Not. Telling. You._ If I won’t even tell Bucky, what makes you think I’ll tell you?”

“That’s another thing that bothers me, you know. Why won’t you tell Bucky why you won’t marry him?”

“Ugh!”

“Also, why won’t you marry him?”

“BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO LOSE HIM!” Steve bellowed, shocking both Tony and himself.

“What are you on about?” Tony asked. “Why would you lose him if you married him? That doesn’t make any sense whatsoever.”

Steve sighed. _Well,_ he thought, _I’ve already told him this much, there’s no point in stopping now._

“I — look,” Steve said. “Most people already know that he’s always been my best friend. People know that he’s the only person I’ve got left who knows what it’s like to be in a whole new century and that, even though we’ve been adjusting for a few years now, it’s freaking crazy. He’s the only one who went through that same culture shock as me. I’m also _dating_ him, as it is. That puts a target on his back for anyone who wants to get to me. A big target. Can you imagine how much bigger it would get if I was actually _married to him?_ So as I’ve been telling you, Tony, I want to marry him, but I just can’t do that to him. I won’t put him in that kind of danger.”

“Steve, I really don’t think it’ll make any difference to people who want to hurt you whether you’re married to him or not,” Tony said.

“Can you promise me that? Can you promise me that’s not the way their minds will work?” Steve asked challengingly.

“Well — no — but I can’t promise you anything when it comes to those kinds of people and besides — ”

“Tony,” Steve sighed. “Please, for once in your life, just shut up.”

Tony frowned, but he picked up the case file he’d thrown down and began to read through it. Not a single word was said until later.

When the whole teamed got together again a few hours later, Natasha and Clint stood up to make an announcement.

“Okay, listen up, people!” Natasha said. “The day after tomorrow, we are not spending our whole day in this stupid building and we are not even going to _mention_ Loki’s name, do you understand me?”

“As you all know, Thursday is our wedding anniversary,” Clint smiled fondly at Natasha who didn’t notice as she was still glaring at everyone, silently daring them to argue with them on the matter. “So you’re all invited to our house to celebrate!”

“Can we afford to take even the smallest break from searching for Loki?” Thor questioned.

“Don’t know, don’t care,” Natasha said. “We’ve all been working ourselves so hard and for so long, I’m surprised we’re all still alive. Thursday, our house, no arguments.”

“We’ve convinced Scott to come, as well,” Clint said. “And Tony, you could tell Peter he’s welcome to come.”

“We called T’Challa, of course, just in case,” Natasha said. “But he’s running a country.”

“And before any of you protest — I see you, Steve — just keep in mind that Nick has agreed we all need a little break and he’s even coming to the party,” Clint said.

“Well, when Clint says he agreed we need a break — ”

“Natasha threatened him,” Clint said. “Thoroughly. But anyway — ”

“ — be there.” they said together, and nobody saw any room, really, to disagree so they all nodded and said they’d be at Natasha and Clint’s house on Thursday.

Steve didn’t get home that night until nearly one in the morning. He was sure that, as usual, he would find that Bucky was already asleep, but when he walked through the front door and into the sitting room he found Bucky sitting on the couch.

“Hey, Buck,” Steve said.

Bucky looked up at him. “Hi,” he said and slowly got to his feet. Sergeant, who had been curled up next to him on the sofa, popped up and watched him carefully.

Steve moved toward him. He reached out to take Bucky’s left hand in his own, but Bucky jerked away. “Bucky, what — ”

Bucky shook his head. “I — sorry. I’m sorry.” He said and he reached out and held one of Steve’s hands — Steve didn’t fail to notice that he used his right hand instead of his left...his _real_ hand. “I’m — I’m sorry about this morning.”

“Me, too,” Steve frowned. “I shouldn’t have left.”

“No, don’t say that,” Bucky shook his head. “I shouldn’t have made you feel bad about leaving. You’re on a case, and the team needs you much more than I do.”

“Are you sure about that?” Steve asked.

“Yes,” Bucky nodded and he gave Steve a reassuring smile. “Listen, I’m fine. I’m just a bit on edge — these nightmares — well — but I’m fine, really.”  


Steve didn’t believe him and he opened his mouth, about to tell him so, when suddenly and terrible scream rented the air. Steve and Bucky’s heads both snapped upward.

“That sounded like it came from — ” Bucky began.

“ — the apartment above us,” Steve finished and he nodded. “I’ve heard a few weird things coming from up there — bangs and things.”

“So you’ve heard them, too?” Bucky raised his eyebrows. “I’ve been hearing weird things all the time! All day while you’re at the compound!”

Steve frowned. “Come on, let’s go have a look.”

The two of them raced out of the apartment, to the nearest staircase, and up to the floor above them. They ran to the apartment that was directly above them and pounded hard on the door.

Several seconds later, the door slowly opened and before them stood a woman with long, raven black hair. Around one of her piercing blue eyes was a dark, painful looking bruise. Her hands clutched the door so tightly that her knuckles were white, and she was shaking violently.

“H-hello,” she said and her voice shook. “Wha-what do you want?”

“We heard a scream coming from this apartment,” Steve said.

“What?” the woman said, eyebrows raised. “Oh, no. Not here — no — you’re mistaken. Thanks for checking on — thanks. Bye.”

“Are you okay?” Bucky said before she could close the door. “What happened to your eye?”

“Oh — I — I — fell,” she said, not sounding very convincing at all. She tried to laugh them off. “So silly of me — you — you know? So — I’m so clumsy — well — goodbye.” And this time, before Steve or Bucky could say anything else, she slammed the door shut.

“Well, that was weird,” Bucky said as they made their way back down to their apartment. “Do you think we should call the cops?”

“I don’t know,” Steve said slowly. “I think maybe we should give it a couple of days, keep an eye on her and see if anything seems amiss.”

“Yeah… you’re probably right,” Bucky nodded as they walked into the apartment.

“The thing is...why is she up so late?” Steve asked.

“I don’t know,” Bucky shrugged. “Why are we?”

“That’s a bit different, I think…” Steve said as they sat down on the couch and Sergeant laid down at their feet. “Although, come to think of it, why are _you_ awake this late?”

“I wanted to see you,” Bucky said softly, fidgeting with the hem of his sleeve. “I wanted to talk to you. I — I miss you.”  


Steve frowned and sighed. “I know. I missed you, too. So much.”

“What if — what if I came with you to the compound one day?” Bucky asked hopefully. “I could help!”

“I — I don’t think that’s a very good idea,” Steve said, suddenly very interested in the floor. “Sorry, Buck.”

“No, it’s — it’s fine,” Bucky said, but it didn’t sound like it was fine. “I understand. I — I get it,” Bucky said but it certainly didn’t sound as if he understood.

“But, hey,” Steve said, meeting Bucky’s gaze again with a big smile. “Guess what? I don’t have to work on Thursday!”

“Really?” Bucky beamed.

“Yeah,” Steve said. “ _And_ we get to go to a party!”

“A party?” Bucky asked, interested. “Haven’t been to one of those in a long time. What kind of party?”

    “Clint and Natasha are having a celebration for their wedding anniversary,” Steve grinned, then immediately realized the mistake he’d made.

    “Oh… Their _wedding_ anniversary?” Bucky said softly. “That’s nice…”

    It was awkwardly, agonizingly silent for a long time before Bucky broke the silence; “Is it even worth saying that we should get — ”

    “No, Bucky,” Steve shook his head, sighing. “No.”

    Bucky pursed his lips, nodded slowly, then without a word he got up and left the room. Sergeant jumped up and followed him, of course, and Steve listened; he heard him moving around and getting into bed.

    Steve didn’t follow him that night. He let him have his space until the middle of the night when he began screaming in his sleep.

    It was Russian, Steve noted as he was running to the bedroom, but it wasn’t the same thing he was usually saying. It wasn’t cold and calculated, it wasn’t “Ready to comply”. He sounded like he was in pain.

“ _Больше не надо! Пожалуйста, не больше!_ ” Bucky cried in terrible, terrified scream. “ _Больно! Пожалуйста, не больше! Я не хочу, чтобы снова забыть!_ ”

“Bucky, Bucky, Bucky!” Steve shook him. “Bucky, wake up! Come on, wake up!” Steve had Bucky wrapped protectively in his arms. “Wake _up!_ ”

Bucky’s eyes opened slowly, but they were clouded, unfocused. He looked up at Steve with no recognition in his eyes. “ _Не заставляй меня снова забыть его._ ” he sobbed. “ _Не заставляй меня снова забыть его. Не заставляй меня снова забыть его. Не заставляй меня снова забыть его._ ”

“Okay,” Steve said even though he didn’t have a clue what Bucky was saying. “Okay. It’s okay, Buck, I’m here.”

“ _Я люблю его. Не заставляй меня снова забыть его._ ”

“Bucky, please…” Steve pleaded with him helplessly. “I’ve got you, you’re okay.”

“ _Больно. Так больно._ ”

Steve took a deep breath, then reluctantly left Bucky alone on the bed.

“ _Больно..._ ” Bucky moaned miserably. “ _Я не хочу забыть больше._ ” Over and over again, “ _Больно… Я не хочу забыть больше… Больно… Я не хочу забыть больше… Больно… Я не хочу забыть больше…_ ”

Steve ran for his phone, pressed the call button next the the contact he was looking for, and was greeted by a groggy voice.

“Steve Rogers, it is three in the morning,” said Natasha, still half asleep and clearly pissed off. “What the hell do you want?”

“I need you to come to the apartment,” Steve said breathlessly. “Right now. _Please!_ I need someone who speaks Russian.”

Natasha was certainly awake now and Steve could hear her moving around now, getting out of bed. “Bucky?”

“Bucky.”

“Clint — get out of bed!” Natasha snapped. “Steve, hang tight. We’ll be there in ten minutes.”

Steve set his phone down then turned back to Bucky. He was still moaning in German, over and over, and Sergeant was walking around him, sniffing at him worriedly.

“Hang in there, Buck,” Steve ran his fingers through his hair. “It’s okay, it’s all going to be okay.”

Steve couldn’t have been any more relieved when Natasha burst through the door, a very sleepy and confused Clint following close behind.

“Steve, out of the way,” Natasha snapped and Steve jumped up. Natasha knelt down at the bedside, listening closely to what Bucky was saying.

“What’s he saying?” Steve asked anxiously.

“He’s — he’s saying — ” Natasha’s voice faltered, but she swallowed hard and said, “He’s saying, ‘ _It hurts… I don’t want to forget anymore._ ’”

Clint frowned. “Steve, I thought you said he was doing better after the doctors in Wakanda wiped all that brainwashing shit out of his head.”

“Yeah, he _was_ doing better,” Steve sighed. “But ever since we started on this case, he’s been having nightmares every single night. They started getting a bit worse in the weeks before it, but as soon as we started they hit him hard.”

“ _Больно… Я не хочу забыть больше…_ ” Bucky said, still staring up in a dazed sort of way, getting louder and louder with every time, now.

“Alright, I’m going to see what I can do,” Natasha said.

Steve nodded.

Natasha took a deep breath, then spoke to Bucky. “ _Вы не в какой-либо опасности . Обещаю._ ”

Bucky stopped, but he still didn’t seem to know where he was or who he was with.

“ _Hydra мертв . Они не могут больше навредить вам . Ваше имя Баки , и вы никогда не забудете , что снова._ ” Natasha spoke softly, warmly, and still, Bucky said nothing, just gazing at the ceiling with tears in his eyes and a frown on his face. “ _Что вам нужно прямо сейчас, Баки?_ ”

Steve dared to get a little closer. “What did you say to him?”

“I told him Hydra is dead and they can’t hurt him anymore,” said Natasha. “I told him his name is Bucky and he’s never going to forget that again, and I asked him what he needs right now.”

Clint opened his mouth to say something but they never found out what it was because at that moment, Bucky spoke again. His eyes beginning to come into focus once more, voice trembling, he whispered, “Steve…”

    Natasha looked up at Steve, then moved aside. Steve took her place at Bucky’s side and he held onto his boyfriend’s hand tightly. “I’m here,” he said.

    Bucky didn’t say anything, but he relaxed into the pillows and breathed a little easier. He drifted back to sleep and Steve heaved a sigh of relief.

    “Thank you, Natasha,” Steve said. “Thank you.”  


    “No problem,” Natasha shook her head. “Really, any time you need me...I’m happy to help.”

    “Though it’d be nice if next time you could wait until the sun is in the sky,” Clint joked but he was the only one who laughed. “Wow, just trying to ease the tension.”

    “Clint, go wait in the kitchen,” Natasha said. “I’ll be out in a minute and we can home.”

    “Okay,” he said with a yawn, then said to Steve, “See you at the compound in — what — a few hours?” But again, as he closed the bedroom door behind himself, he was the only one who laughed.

    “Steve,” Natasha said. “Tony told me what you said about how you think you’re going to lose Bucky.”

    “That traitor,” Steve hissed.

    “Steve, listen to me!” Natasha said. “I asked him what he needed right now…and then he said your name. Do you understand? You understand what that means, don’t you? You’re _not going to lose him_.”

Steve sighed and nodded. “Yes… Thank you.”

Natasha smiled and nodded. “Goodnight, Steve.”

The next day, was long and boring as usual, by the minutes on the clock seemed to tick by even slower than they normally did.

Steve had seriously considered not turning up at the compound that day. He sat at Bucky’s side, wide awake, until nearly nine in the morning and Bucky was still asleep so he decided he’d go — plus, Tony had been blowing his phone up with text messages, asking where he was and why he was late.

Finally, though, the day was over and they all went home. It was the middle of the night by the time they were finished, but as they walked away from the case files they couldn’t be bothered to care, because the next day, for the first in months, they wouldn’t be going to the compound or staring at files and fuzzy photographs or talking about Loki at all.

When Steve got to the apartment it was close to four in the morning and Bucky was asleep. He crawled into bed with him, wondering how soon Bucky would wake up screaming as he fell asleep.

But he woke up several hours later, late in the morning, and realized he’d slept through the night. He smiled and rolled over to find that Bucky was awake, sitting up and scratching Sergeant behind his ears.

“Good morning,” Steve said. “Did you sleep well?”

“ _No_ ,” Bucky said and looked at him like he was crazy.

“What? But — but you didn’t wake up — you didn’t — ” Steve stammered, finding himself at a loss for words.

“The nightmares were — ” Bucky shook his head. “ — they were worse than ever last night.”

Steve’s heart sank, a feeling of dread pooled in the pit of his stomach, and he realized; Bucky _did_ scream in his sleep last night, maybe even in Russian like he had the night before. Steve had arrived home quite a bit later than usual — Bucky must have gone through the worst of the nightmares before he got home.

Steve sat up. He felt like the absolute worst person. “Bucky, I’m so — ” he was reaching out to touch Bucky’s arm and before he could say he was sorry, Bucky jerked away — he yanked his left arm away from Steve as fast as he could — and he leapt out of the bed, looking downright petrified.

“I’m — I’m going to get ready,” Bucky stammered. “For Clint and Natasha’s party.”

“Are you sure you still want to go?” Steve raised his eyebrows. “It sounds like you had a rough night, maybe we should just stay — ”

“No,” Bucky insisted. “Like I said the other day, I haven’t been to a party in a really long time. I’m fine. We’re going. I’m going to get ready,” he said then he raced from the room.

Steve sighed. _What am I going to do?_ He wondered.

A few hours later, Steve and Bucky found themselves standing on Clint and Natasha’s doorstep with Sergeant at their side. Sergeant liked to play with Clint and Natasha’s dog — Hope, a beautiful golden retriever — so they brought him along any time they were going to Clint and Natasha’s house.

The moment they’d passed the threshold, they expected Sergeant to leave their side and run after Hope as he usually did, but he didn’t. He stayed, practically glued to Bucky.

“Go on,” Bucky nodded toward Hope, and he swore that Sergeant really understood him because he looked up at him in an almost worried way before slowly looking away and finally chasing after Hope.

It seemed that they were the last ones to arrive at the party. Tony and Bruce were deep in conversation with Peter; Sam were in the kitchen teaching Thor how to make Pop Tarts — Thor was enamored by the process; Natasha, Pepper, and Maria Hill were all laughing about something while Nick Fury stood there, arms crossed, looking rather unimpressed; Wanda was making different types of figures and shapes in the air and Clint, Scott, and Rhodey were shouting out words and phrases — Steve guessed they were playing some sort of magic version of charades.

“Ah, you’re late!” Natasha exclaimed when she saw Steve and Bucky walk in.

“Naughty, naughty!” Tony said.

“Make way for a truly gourmet meal, folks!” Sam said as he burst into the room. “Thor, bring out the — _YOU ATE ALL THE POP TARTS?! HOW DID YOU DO IT THAT QUICKLY?!_ ”

Thor shrugged shamelessly and finished the one remaining Pop Tart that he had in his hand while everyone around him — except for Sam, of course — roared with laughter.

When they all sat down around the living room to eat dinner — and the dogs snuck in to try and steal some food — Clint and Natasha stood up.

“Well, I guess this is where we should make some ridiculously sappy speech about love or something,” Natasha said. “So, take it away, Clint!”

“Ah, thanks, Nat,” Clint said. “Well, as some of you already, Natasha and I had a rather rocky beginning to our relationship. For those of you who _don’t_ know — well — let me just put it like this — I was assigned, by S.H.I.E.L.D., to kill her.”

“ _But you made a different call,_ ” said Steve, Tony, Bruce, Pepper, Maria, Fury, Wanda, and Vision dully who had all heard the story too many times to count — Wanda and Vision hadn’t even heard it nearly as many times as the rest of them had, but they were done with it.

Bucky, Sam, Rhodey, Scott, and Peter looked intrigued. Meanwhile, Thor — who had also heard the story an innumerable amount of times — was desperately hanging onto every word out of Clint’s mouth with a dreamy expression.

And so, Clint told the whole tale of how he wouldn’t kill Natasha; of how, instead, he brought her back to S.H.I.E.L.D. to be trained as an assassin on their side; how they became instant friends; how they fell in love.

“...and the day I married her was easily the happiest day of my entire life,” Clint said. “I can’t tell you how married life is different from just being together, living together. It really should just be a piece of paper, but it’s not. I can’t explain it, it just —  it changes you in the most wonderful of ways.”

Bucky was looking pointedly, not at Clint, but at Steve.

“I am so lucky to have fallen in love with my best friend,” Clint smiled, reaching out and taking Natasha’s hand — at this, Bucky turned from Steve.

It had never struck Steve, before, how very much like Natasha and Clint they were in some ways; they were both best friends who’d fallen in love, all of them with dangerous and foreboding pasts; Clint had been ordered to kill Natasha, Bucky had been ordered to kill Steve.

The big difference between the two pairs was simple; Clint and Natasha were married, Steve and Bucky were not.

“Well,” Fury said when Clint’s speech was over and everyone was done with dinner. “I’d better get going. I expect you all to be in the compound bright and early tomorrow morning. I’ll be there tomorrow.”

“See you then!”

“Bye, Nick!”

“See you around!”

“Smell ya later!”

“I’d better go, too,” Maria sighed. “He wants me there with you tomorrow, as well, so…see you then.”

All of them slowly moved to the kitchen, beginning to crack open some wine — which Peter, who was still a couple years away from being old enough to drink, was _not_ happy about at all. The dogs were dozing on the sofa. It appeared as if the night was going to go over without a hitch.

For a long time they stood around the kitchen, just talking, and then Wanda turned to Bucky and maybe she’d had just a little too much wine because she said, “I _still_ can’t believe Fury won’t let you on the team for the case we’re on.”

The room went dead silent.

“What?” Bucky asked.

“Wanda,” Natasha said. “Remember we all agreed we wouldn’t talk about the case at all today?”

“No, what’s she talking about?” Bucky asked, looking around at them all with wide eyes.

“It doesn’t matter, Buck,” Steve said softly but Bucky looked at him with a sort of frightened look.

“Yes, it does! It does matter!” Bucky cried. “When was me joining the team every an option?! And why did Fury say no?!”

“We took a vote,” Sam said.

Bucky looked at him, eyebrows raised. “A _vote?!_ You took a freaking _vote?!_ Oh, well, great! I’m glad to know that so many people in the room don’t trust me! How did you vote, Steve?”

“Bucky, stop it,” Steve said. “You know I wouldn’t vote against you. _Ever_.”

“Do I?” Bucky snapped. “Do I really? What can I even be sure of these days? What can I count on? Not you being home _ever,_ that’s for damn sure!”

“Calm down!” Tony said.

“I suppose you voted against me, then,” Bucky snapped at him.

“ _No,_ actually, I voted to get you on the team!” Tony huffed.

“I — I don’t — ” Bucky looked around at everyone and the room suddenly looked a lot fuller than it had a few minutes ago. It felt a lot stuffier and he wasn’t breathing quite right.

“Some of us didn’t vote in your favor because — well — we don’t think you’re in a fit mental state to be doing what we’re doing,” said Bruce.

“A fit mental — well, why not?” Bucky scowled at Bruce.

“Steve mentioned nightmares, anxiety attacks,” Bruce said.

“And if what I’ve overheard is right, apparently the nightmares are getting a hell of a lot worse,” Rhodey said.

Bucky looked positively astonished, mouth hanging open, eyes wide. He turned to Steve and said the first thing that came to mind; “I want to go home.”

“Okay, let’s go,” Steve said. He certainly wasn’t going to deny Bucky of anything he wanted right now, not when he had just received a blow like that, that Steve had wanted so badly for him to never find out about. In that moment, Steve would have given his boyfriend anything — hell, if Bucky had asked Steve to marry him, Steve might have said yes.

Without a word, they left. They got Sergeant from the living room and headed straight to the car. Neither of them said a word the whole ride home, or on the short walk up to their apartment.

Inside their apartment, Steve closed the door then turned to find Bucky facing away from him.

Then Bucky rounded on him, expression angry. “You _told_ them? You _told_ them about my _nightmares?_ ”

“Not the recent ones,” Steve said quickly. “But when we started this case, months ago, they asked if you were having nightmares and I — yeah, I said yes. And _they_ thought that that meant you weren’t mentally capable of joining the case.”

“You told someone, didn’t you?” Bucky glared at him. “About the past few months, while you’ve been working this case? The way Tony _looked_ at me, he _knows something!_ ”

“O-okay, yes, you’re right,” Steve nodded. “I told Tony. He asked me what was wrong one day and I just — I just kind of burst! He’s been helping me out, giving me some advice. Him and Natasha have both — ”

“So you told Tony _and_ Natasha?!” Bucky bellowed.

“Well, you knew that Natasha knew already!” Steve said.

“ _I did not!_ ”

“Yes, you did!” Steve exclaimed. “She was here a couple nights ago when you were — ”

“Why was she _here?_ ” Bucky snapped.

“Because I called her! I needed her help!” Steve explained, but Bucky’s eyes widened even further. “Bucky, you were _screaming_ in _Russian!_ And when you woke up, you went into some sort of anxiety attack or something and you just laid there, whimpering in _Russian!_ And I didn’t know what to do or how to help you because _I don’t speak Russian!_ But you know who does? _NATASHA!_ ”

Bucky stared back at Steve for a long time before turning on his heel and marching out of the room. Sergeant followed him, and so did Steve.

“You can’t just walk away from this! Not this time!” Steve exclaimed.

But Bucky, to Steve’s utter shock, slammed the bedroom door in his face and locked it.

“Bucky! Come on! Let me in, please!”

But over an hour passed by and Steve was reasonably certain that Bucky was in bed, most likely fast asleep, so he sighed in defeat and flopped down on the couch.

He didn’t sleep. He laid awake, staring at the ceiling, waiting for the screams to fill the air. For some time, he began to think that maybe — just maybe — they wouldn’t come. For one night, perhaps they wouldn’t come — Bucky had been through enough that day.

But just past three in the morning, Steve pulled himself into a sitting position as Bucky began to yell in Russian, sounding more terrified than ever.

Steve jumped up and ran to the bedroom, grabbing the handle and yanking it open — except he couldn’t. The door wouldn’t open and Steve remembered, with dread, that Bucky had locked it.

“Bucky!” Steve tried to shout to him over the terrible screams. “BUCKY!”

Then, suddenly, it stopped. Steve pressed his ear up against the door and he heard Bucky speak in a cold, steady voice; “ _Готов выполнить._ ”

“BUCKY!” Steve cried and ripped the door from its hinges. He threw it down onto the floor and rushed into the room. “Bucky — ” he reached out to grab his hand — his real hand — but then he couldn’t breathe.

It took him a second to realize that Bucky was staring at him blankly, the same way he’d stared at him in D.C., the same way he’d stared at him after Zemo spoke the trigger words, and he had his metal hand wrapped tightly around Steve’s throat.

“ _Bucky!_ ” Steve choked, his head beginning to spin and the edges of his vision growing fuzzy. He tried to pry the metal fingers off of his throat but it was useless. He reached out and wrapped a hand firmly around Bucky’s right wrist — hoping — praying — maybe it would make him —

Steve took a great gulp of air as he collapsed onto the ground, chest heaving, breath labored. He looked up and saw Bucky scrambling backwards.

Sergeant was on the bed, barking.

“Bucky — Bucky — ” Steve struggled to his feet. “Bucky — it’s — everything is — fine — ”

But Bucky was backed up, flat against the wall, eyes wide and frightened. “I — could have — could have really hurt you — I — ”

“Bucky — ” Steve coughed. “Bucky — no — stop — it’s fine — everything is fine — ”

“I — I could’ve — I — could’ve killed you — ” Bucky choked.

“Bucky!” Steve cried as Bucky turned and ran from the room. “Bucky, wait!” He chased after him, his lungs screaming for him to stop but he paid them no mind.

Steve clambered up to the front door just as he saw it slam shut. He wrenched it open and chased after Bucky — he heard a strange noise coming from above but he didn’t care, he had to catch up to Bucky.

He followed his boyfriend out of the apartment, into the dark. He was much slower than Bucky at the moment what with his lungs threatening to collapse, and it was too dark to see anything.

Steve noticed that all the street lamps were out and thought it strange, but then he turned his attention back to Bucky.

From up ahead, there came a bright flash and Steve’s stomach dropped. He came up to any alleyway at the same time that the street lamps began to flicker, then came on, illuminating the street and the alleyway rather ominously.

Steve took one look inside the alleyway, saw that there were strange symbols that he didn’t recognize scorched onto a large dumpster, and he knew instantly that something must have happened to Bucky — he could feel it.

He turned from the alleyway and ran as fast as his legs would carry him, still ignoring the way he was struggling to take in every breath.

***

Bucky woke slowly, his eyes opening to see a ceiling above him. It wasn’t his ceiling, though, and for a moment he was confused — then he panicked.

He sat bolt upright and looked around the room he was in; it wasn’t very well lit as the single light that hung from the middle of the ceiling was flickering, looking as if it were going to go out at any moment; the walls were a dull, faded grey and the floor looked to be made of concrete; in the corner was a lone chair, sitting all on its own; he himself was in a lumpy bed with a thin blanket thrown over him and a flat pillow.

He looked down and found that he was in the same t-shirt and sweatpants with no shoes he’d left the apartment in.

He moved to get out of the bed, but then the door opened and a dark figure stood there.

“Who are you?” Bucky demanded. “Where am I? Where’s Steve?”

The figure chuckled, raised a hand, and then everything went black and Bucky collapsed against the uncomfortable bed, out cold.

***

Steve was sitting in the Avengers Compound a couple hours later. He was sitting — shaking — with a mug of hot tea in his hands that he sipped gingerly every once in a while. Clint had wrapped a blanket around him at some point.

Sergeant was laying at his feet, staring up at him and whining miserably — surely wondering where Bucky was.

It wasn’t even six in the morning yet, the sun had barely begun to peak above the horizon.

“How’re you feeling, buddy?” Tony asked.

Steve shook his head in reply then asked, “Are they back yet?”

“No, not yet,” Tony sighed. “They will be soon. Promise.”

“You said that last time I asked,” Steve said bitterly.

“Yeah, well, you only asked five minutes ago,” Tony said, then he turned to Sam. “I’ve got to go talk to Rhodey and Scott about how we’re going proceed with this. Keep an eye on him.”

Clint, Natasha, Fury, Maria, Bruce, and Thor had all gone to investigate the alleyway where Steve was sure Bucky had disappeared — some of his team members had their doubts, but how could it have been anything else? Steve was sure of it.

The door to the room opened and Steve looked up hopefully. And indeed, Thor, Clint, Natasha, and Bruce walked into the room. “Nick and Maria are flying to Wakanda to talk to T’Challa in person — they don’t think using phones are safe anymore,” Clint said.

“They’re going to do their best to bring T’Challa back with them so he can help,” Bruce said.

Steve looked at them all expectantly. “ _Well?_ ”

Thor sighed. “It is as I expected. Those symbols you saw right after James disappeared are Asgardian.”

“What do they mean?” Steve asked.

“There is no way to translate Asgardian to English perfectly,” said Thor. “However, the closest thing I can give you is, ‘Come and get him.’”

“So Loki has Bucky…” Steve said and he had to fight the urge to be sick.

“Steve, look at me,” Natasha knelt down in front of him, looking him dead in the eye. “We are going to get him back, you hear me? We’re not going to let you lose him again — _I’m_ not going to let that happen.”

Steve nodded slowly, set his tea down, and threw the blanket off of himself. “Right. Let’s find him.”

Tony entered the room.

“Did you hear — ” Steve asked.

“Yeah,” Tony nodded. “I heard everything.”

“Great, let’s get — ” Steve began but Tony interrupted.

“Here’s the thing, Steve,” Tony was shaking his head and he sighed heavily. “I don’t think you’re really emotionally capable of working right now — besides, you’re too close to this case.”  
  
    “Stuff it, Tony,” Steve crossed his arms. “You can’t make me back down from this. I won’t do it.”

“You’ve got to, you — ”

“No, Tony, Steve is right,” Sam said. “This is Bucky we’re talking about — we can’t ask him to step away from this case.”

“Oh, we sure as hell can,” Tony snapped. “This isn’t good for you, Steve, you need to relax. I don’t — ”

“I’m _not_ going to relax until I know he’s safe!” Steve snapped. “No matter what I do! But I _would_ feel a little bit better if I was working along with everyone else to find him — I’m not just going to sit back while he’s in danger!”

“ _Steve, I said_ — ”

    “I don’t care what you said!”

    “Tony, Steve is right!” Bruce said.

    “I don’t know, I think I’m with Tony on this one,” Rhodey sighed.

    “No way!” Natasha huffed. “Steve has a right to be working this case, more than any of us do!”

“I don’t care! He needs to — ”

“He won’t rest! You know that!” Sam yelled. “He said it himself!”

“If it was Clint I wouldn’t back down until we found Loki,” Natasha hissed.

“If it was Clint I’d be telling you the exact same thing I’m telling Steve now!” Tony retorted.

“And you really think I’d listen to you?” Natasha raised her eyebrows. “Since when have you known me to care about what you say, Stark?”

“I’d _make_ you listen!” Tony bellowed. “Just like I’m going to _make Steve_ listen right now — eh! Don’t say a word, Romanoff! If it was Clint, I would make you back down! If it was you, I’d tell Clint to step back! If it was Steve. I’d be telling Bucky to stay out of it! I will not let — ”

“What if it was Pepper?” Clint asked so quietly that Tony wasn’t sure he’d heard him right.

“Excuse me, Barton?” Tony growled. “What did you just say?”

“I _said_ ,” Clint said, raising his voice. “What if it was Pepper?”

“Well — I — er — well, I suppose I — ”

“I’ll tell you what’d happen,” Clint snapped, crossing his arms. “If Pepper were where Bucky is right now, you wouldn’t eat or sleep until you had Loki’s head on a stick!”

“OY!” Thor shouted.

“It’s an expression, Thor,” Clint said, though everyone in the room was quite sure that if Loki had Pepper, Tony really _would_ have his head on a stick.

“Fine,” said Tony. “Whatever. I don’t care anymore,” he huffed and stormed from the room.

“Get in touch with Scott and Peter right away,” Bruce said to Natasha. “We need them to come in now. We’re going to need all hands on deck to find Loki — and we need to find him quickly.”

***

 _Bucky woke up_ — _his back was hurting considerably as he had been sleeping on the floor_ — _and sat up. “Steve?” he said, kneeling up against the bed where Steve was curled up._

 _“I’m_ — _fine_ — _”_ _Steve said, coughing uncontrollably_. _“Go_ — _back_ — _to_ — _sleep.”_

_“Oh, Stevie,” Bucky sighed._

_He had never seen Steve this bad before. It had only been two weeks since his mom died and now he was bedridden, coughing and aching terribly. Bucky had told him that he was staying with him, of course, the moment he’d fallen ill. He said he wouldn’t take no for an answer._

_“I’m_ — _I’m fine,” Steve insisted. “Go back_ — _to_ — _sleep_ — _Bucky.”_

_“No, I’m going to stay awake as long as you do, you hear me?” Bucky said. “I’m watching over you.”_

_Steve moaned miserably, clutching his stomach in pain._

_Bucky watched him and he wasn’t sure whether to frown or smile because even in this state, Steve was beautiful. There was no other word for Steve that Bucky could come up with_ — _he was just, so simply, beautiful._

_Without really thinking about what he was doing, Bucky leaned over and kissed Steve._

_Steve’s eyes flew open and Bucky’s stomach dropped. Steve’s wonderful blue eyes were wide and surprised_ — _but, to Bucky’s great surprise, not at all disgusted._

_“Steve...I love you,” Bucky breathed, still not thinking his actions through._

_“Bucky, I_ — ”

Bucky woke with a terrible gasp. He struggled to move — to run — but he was tied into a chair. He looked up to see a figure standing in front of him, the same one that had been in the doorway before Bucky passed out.

His hair was long and dark and he was dressed rather oddly, and he was looking at Bucky in a way that told him exactly what had just happened.

“You — you can see inside my head, can’t you,” Bucky spat.

“Yes,” his captor nodded.

“That — that was _private!_ ” Bucky snarled.

His captor chuckled. “Not to me, Sergeant Barnes.”

“Who — who are you?” Bucky asked.

“I am Loki, rightful king of — ”

“ _You’re Loki?!_ ”

“Yes,” Loki nodded. “You have heard of me?”  


“Yeah, Steve told me about you,” Bucky nodded. “He said — he said that he and the rest of the Avengers were hunting you down because you’ve killed people!”

“So have you,” Loki pointed out.

“Yeah…” Bucky said slowly. “That’s what I said… Wait a second — how did you know exactly what I said to Steve?”

Loki chuckled. “Oh, Sergeant Barnes, I have been watching you for many months.”

Bucky frowned. “What do you want with me?”  


“I want to use you,” Loki said simply. “To achieve what I have wanted to do for many years, now.”

“How am I involved in that?” Bucky asked.

Loki chuckled again, low and cold. “I’m going to use you to take down the Avengers.”

***

“Steve?” Natasha said, approaching her friend who was sitting at the edge of the Avengers Compound rooftop. “Aren’t you supposed to be sleeping?”

“Couldn’t sleep,” Steve said.

“Resting, then?” Natasha sighed.

“Did you not take me seriously when I said I wouldn’t be able to rest until Bucky was found?” Steve raised his eyebrows at her.

“No, I — I did,” Natasha said, slowly sinking down beside him and looking out at the expanse of trees that kept the compound hidden from unwanted prying eyes. “I was just hoping that maybe you’d at least make an effort — at least try to get some sleep so you’re fully rested when we get back to looking for him tomorrow.”

“I _did_ try,” Steve snapped, then shook his head slowly. “It doesn’t matter, though. I’m too worried to sleep. I shouldn’t be asleep, anyway, and I shouldn’t be sitting here either. I should be working through the night to find him!”

“No,” Natasha reached out and laid a gentle hand on his shoulder. “You need to rest, Steve… I won’t try to deny that _I_ would be working through the night if it were Clint in Bucky’s position, but — ”

“Then how can you tell me to sleep?!” Steve exclaimed.

“ — _but_ ,” Natasha continued, almost as if she hadn’t been interrupted at all. “I don’t want you to make the same mistakes as I would.”

Steve didn’t say anything. He kept his face stony, expressionless almost, and stared blankly ahead.

“Whatever,” Natasha said. “Do whatever you want. I’m going back to bed. I just thought that _maybe_ you wouldn’t want to make Bucky suffer any more than he already has but if you want to be falling asleep, unable to think straight, while we’re trying to find him, then fine. Whatever. I don’t care.” But evidently, judging by her tone of voice, she _did_ care. Nonetheless, she stalked away and returned to the room she shared with Clint.

She couldn’t help but smile into her pillow a few minute later, however, when she heard Steve’s footsteps pass her door and enter his bedroom down the hallway.

***

_“Geroffme!” Steve struggled in the grasp a guy who was three times the size of him who he had, as per usual, decided to agitate and pick a fight with._

_“Maybe,” the guy said, squeezing Steve’s head a little tighter, “next time you won’t pick fights where you know you shouldn’t, you filthy little bastard!”_

_Steve stayed still for several moments, and then, just as the guy was letting go of him, he swung his fist hard into the man’s jaw._

_“Oh, you little_ — _” the guy grabbed Steve and slammed him against the wall, pinning him there. “You just don’t know when to quit, do you?”_

 _“I_ — _could_ — _do_ — _this_ — _all_ — _day!” Steve panted._

 _The guy snorted and punched him hard_ — _Steve could taste the blood on mouth, trickling down from his nose._

_“You listen to me,” Steve’s attacker said in a low, dangerous voice. “You’re going to go back to where you came from, you aren’t going to come back. You understand me, you queer?”_

_Steve couldn’t suppress his gasp, but he passed it off as shortness of breath and nodded._

_“Good,” the guy snapped and threw Steve onto the ground. “Faggot,” he spat at Steve, then left him bleeding in the dirt._

When Bucky woke again, Loki’s hand lingering in front of his face, he sighed tiredly…

“That was not a memory,” Loki said curiously.

“No...it wasn’t,” Bucky breathed.

“Then how did it come to be inside your head?” Loki asked.

“It’s — Steve and and I — we went over it probably a hundred times,” Bucky said. “He was so worried — so worried, for such a long time — _Steve_ …” he hadn’t realized how much had missed him until that moment.

“Well, then...what happened after Captain Rogers returned home from this battle?” Loki raised his eyebrows.

Bucky didn’t say anything.

Loki sighed, then stretched his hand out toward Bucky’s face again and —

 _“Steve, ssshhh,” Bucky said soothingly, holding him a little closer. “Steve, he was just_ — _he was just trying to insult you_ — _it wasn’t_ — _he doesn’t_ — _there’s no way he could know about us!”_

_“He knows, he knows,” Steve moaned miserably. “I don’t know how, but he does… We’re not safe. He’s going to tell everyone. The police will come...they’ll lock us up.”_

_“No,” Bucky shook his head. “No, don’t you believe that for a second, Stevie, we’re fine. We’re okay. We’re safe.”_

_“We should have known this would happen,” Steve whispered._

_“It’s okay, Steve, it’s okay,” Bucky whispered back to him. “Get some sleep. We’re okay…”_

***

“I’m sorry — I’m — I’m sorry!” Steve ran into the living room where everyone was grouped together, deep in discussion. “I had an alarm set, I swear I did! I just — I guess I slept through it. Oh, god, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s fine, Steve,” Tony said. “We all agreed you needed a little extra sleep.”

Steve sighed. “You shouldn’t have let me — I — _we need to find Bucky._ ”

“And we will,” Clint said. “But to do that, you need to be well rested.”

“Yeah,” Natasha said, raising her eyebrows at Steve.

Steve just sighed. “Okay, what’ve we got today?”

***

“You know, I _will_ find a way to turn you against him,” Loki said. He was growing restless. They had now been through so many of Bucky’s memories of Steve, he had lost count.

Loki had watched most of Bucky and Steve’s lives before Bucky got drafted already, he had watched Bucky getting captured by Hydra and rescued by a now much taller and bulkier Steve. Loki had watched Steve, clinging to a moving train, growing smaller and smaller and smaller….

“Is that what you’re trying to do?” Bucky laughed but it was weak. In the few days he had spent with Loki he had already acquired a black eye, a bleeding lip, a very possibly fractured nose, and a tangled mess of hair. His skin had lost its glow and now seemed almost grey; the hopeful light in his eyes that had only recently returned to him was beginning to leave him again. “You’ll never manage that. You’ll never get me to turn against Steve.”

“Oh, but I will,” Loki chuckled darkly. “I could do it now, you know, with a simple snap of my fingers… I don’t _need_ petty trigger words to brainwash people.”

Bucky swallowed hard.

“I do wonder, though…” Loki said. He turned, walked across the room, and returned with a book — one that Bucky recognized all too well.

“Where’d you get that?” Bucky said, all of his muscles tensing at the sight of it. “It — it won’t work! The doctors — Wakanda — fixed me!”

“You don’t sound so sure of that, Barnes,” Loki smiled wickedly.

“I — no, they did! They did!”

“Let us test that theory, shall we?” Loki said.

When he read aloud from the book in his hands, it was as if he’d been speaking Russian forever. It was crisp and clear and Bucky understood every word as if he were speaking English.

“ _Longing._ ”

Bucky stared at him, eyes wide. It couldn’t work, could it? All of that Hydra stuff had been wiped out, hadn’t it?

“ _Rusted_.”

Bucky stared down at his real hand and watched it shaking like a leaf in the wind. _It won’t work!_ He told himself firmly, but he was doing a pretty bad job of actually believing it.

“ _Seventeen._ ”

Bucky bit his lip hard and tasted blood but he didn’t care.

“ _Daybreak._ ”

It felt as if water was replacing the air in his lungs and his throat with closing; tears stung at his eyes violently.

“ _Furnace_.”

“Stop it,” Bucky croaked. “Please — just — just _stop!_ ”

“ _Nine_.” Loki acted as if Bucky hadn’t spoken at all.

“STOP!”

“ _Nine_.”

Bucky sobbed. “What do I do, what do I do…?” he murmured to himself and he had no idea whether he’d said it aloud or in his head.

“ _Benign_.”

Bucky didn’t know what he’d do if he was brainwashed now; if everything Hydra had done to his mind was still there. Surely Steve would come for him eventually and make him remember who he was, but what then? If he knew that the means to control him were still out there and useable, what would he do?

“ _Homecoming_.”

 _I’ll have to kill myself,_ Bucky thought and choked out another sob.

“ _One_.”

Bucky bowed his head sobbing loudly — there was nothing he could do to stop Loki from finishing...only one word to go, now…

He couldn’t breath, he felt as if his whole body was on fire, and the tears that streamed down his face scorched his skin instead of putting out the flames. He thought he may be dying; he knew that he would take death over being used to do people’s bidding once more.

“ _Freight car._ ”

Bucky sobbed and sobbed, “No, no, no!” he said. “Please, no!”

It was several minutes later that he slowly rose his head to see Loki staring at him with a bit of disappointment in his expression. Bucky laughed.

“I told you!” Bucku exclaimed triumphantly. “I told you it wouldn’t work! I told you they fixed me!”

“Yes, well,” Loki shrugged. “I was merely curious. Back to work then?”

Bucky sat back in his seat, scowling.

Loki walked up to him. He brushed the tears from Bucky’s cheeks with his lips curled into a smile that made Bucky want to be sick.

“Don’t touch me,” Bucky spat.

Loki chuckled, but withdrew his hand all the same. “Very well. As I said; back to work, Barnes.”

The world around Bucky went black and then he woke once more —

— _in a room, in a soft bed, staring up at a ceiling that was familiar to him. He smiled._

_This was the bed he shared with Steve (and Sergeant, of course). He sat up, looking around, and he thought how strange this felt. Usually when Loki dove into the depths of his mind, he was reliving old memories, but now...now he seemed to be in control of himself._

_“_ You are resisting me, Barnes. _”_

_Bucky heard Loki’s voice coming from somewhere… He couldn’t tell where._

_“_ Why bother? You know I am much stronger than you could ever be — much more powerful. Why waste your energy in resisting me? _”_

_Yes, why indeed?_

_“Bucky?”_

_“Steve,” Bucky murmured, and realized that that was why_ — _Steve. He missed him, he longed for him… If he could hold him, not just in a memory, just once...maybe_ —

_But then he was falling into a blackness and was, rather blissfully, unaware of the world around him once again._

***

Fury showed up a week after Bucky went missing with Maria Hill and T’Challa at his side. “We’re back,” he announced. “And we’ve got a new lead.”

“Really?” Tony said. “Do you think Loki’s got Bucky in Wakanda?”

“No, they are certainly not hidden in my country,” T’Challa shook his head. “Nick and Maria arrived seven days ago, but we stayed in Wakanda and searched to ensure that we were not leaving what we wanted to find behind. I can say, with the utmost certainty, Loki and Bucky are not on any soil that is mine.”

“Okay, so how have you gotten a new lead?” Clint asked.

“There’s been a murder,” Maria said. “The people who live in the apartment above Steve and Bucky’s. The police are saying there’s writing scorched into the wall — strange symbols that none of them can decipher.”

“Right,” Natasha nodded. “I’ll get Thor and we’ll go.”

“Get Steve, too,” Nick said.

A half hour later found Maria, Steve, and Thor standing in the apartment above Steve and Bucky’s; the one Steve and Bucky had heard strange noises and, eventually, screams coming from; the one where a bruised woman had told them everything was fine.

Everything was, in fact, _not_ fine.

Steve’s stomach dropped when he stepped into the sitting room and saw the woman lying, lifeless, sprawled out on the carpet. Her face was bloodied, but she was easily identifiable by her shiny, raven black hair splayed around her head.

Beside her laid a man and a young girl, their faces equally as bloodied.

“I — I spoke to her,” Steve croaked. “ _We_ spoke to her; Bucky and I both. We heard someone screaming from the apartment above ours and — and she said everything was fine. It was obvious she was lying, really, but we thought that we shouldn’t call the police. We shouldn’t intrude. We could have saved her, but we didn’t! Her death is on our hands!”

“No, it is not,” Thor shook his head, staring at the words scorched above the television. “And there was nothing you could have done to save these people. Calling your people’s army — _police,_ you call them? — would not have stopped Loki.”

“ _Loki_ did this?” Maria raised her eyebrows.

“Indeed,” Thor nodded. “The message says, more or less, that we are running out of time and soon Captain Roger’s friends will be lost forever.”

Steve frowned and clenched his teeth. “Let’s go. We’re going to find him. _Now_.”

***

_It had been weeks since Bucky had moved in with Steve; weeks since they returned from Wakanda._

_“I thought you were living in D.C. these days,” Bucky murmured the day he walked into the apartment for the very first time._

_“Yeah, well, I decided I’d get get a new apartment,” Steve said. “I only had to leave Wakanda for a few days. T’Challa told me they were getting close to finding a way to reverse it all so I came here, bought this place, and hurried back. I thought it’d be nice, you know? Living in New York, closer to where we grew up.”_

_Bucky nodded slowly. He could tell that Steve was taken aback by how quiet and reserved Bucky had been ever since he woke up. He could tell that Steve was beginning to wonder how much Bucky remembered from before the war; wondering if he remembered how far their relationship had extended._

_Bucky did, of course. It was one of the first things that had come back to him; kissing Steve, holding Steve, being with Steve. And yet, he didn’t dare say anything about that._

_He couldn’t help but blame himself for everything that had happened between Steve and Tony_ — _in short, he blamed himself for Steve losing his friend. And he was even beginning to wonder if it was possible that Steve loved him after all the time that had gone by and all the things he’d done; he thought that maybe Steve was_ hoping _that Bucky didn’t didn’t remember so that he’d never have to be faced with rejecting him…_

_After all, Steve had kissed Sharon, hadn’t he?_

_One day, when they were eating dinner in silence, Bucky said, “I don’t even know why you did it.”_

_Steve looked up, puzzled. “What? Did what, Buck?”_

_“You know_ — _fought with Tony and them,” Bucky frowned at his fork. “I’m not worth it, you know. I’m not the guy you used to know.”_

_“Bucky, of course you’re worth it,” Steve said softly. “You are worth...everything.”_

_Bucky didn’t say anything._

_He continued to say it, in the following weeks. “You shouldn’t have” “I’m not worth it” “I’m not the same guy I was seventy years ago” “You threw away your friendship with Tony for me, what a stupid thing to do”._

_Steve always answered so calmly, soft and gentle, as if he were speaking to a small child who didn’t know any better. Bucky never believed him, though, not really._

_And then one day, he said it again. Just casually, out of the blue, like always. “I just don’t get how you thought I was worth throwing everything away.”_

_Steve just snapped, leaping out of his seat and bellowing, “Goddammit! I did all of that_ — _I sacrificed relationships_ — _I saved you because you mean more to me than anything else in this world! I don’t care that you’re not the same guy you were seventy years ago_ — _I’m not, either! I love you! I love all of you and I mean every single piece!”_

 _Bucky stared at him like an idiot and Steve just stood there waiting for Bucky to do something_ — _anything!_

 _Bucky swallowed hard. “You_ — _you still love me? After all this time?”_

 _“Of course I do!” Steve said. “I haven’t said anything about_ — _about us being together because I didn’t know if you remembered or if you were ready for it! The doctors in Wakanda took all of the brainwashing shit that Hydra did out, but that doesn’t mean that all of your memories are just back like magic. And I realize that and I’ve accepted it_ — _I have accepted that we may never be together again, at least not in the way that I really want… But that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be with you anymore.”_

_Still, Bucky sat there, staring at Steve with his mouth hanging open. And still, Steve stood there, waiting for anything to happen._

_Then, slowly, Bucky stood and walked over to Steve. He looked into his eyes and searched them, as if checking to see if there was any hint of trickery there. And then he said, “I love you, too,” and his voice was steadier than it had been in weeks_ — _because his love for Steve was one thing that he could always be absolutely sure of, even when his memory was a bit cloudy._

_Steve cupped Bucky’s face in his hands, paused to make sure this was okay, and then he kissed him; long and deep and it was everything he’d been longing for._

_Bucky wasn’t sure that he’d ever feel like he was worth anything, but this was pretty damn close._

“How touching,” Loki spat when Bucky woke.

Bucky was smiling, much to Loki’s displeasure.

“What is making you so happy?” Loki asked.

“You’re failing,” Bucky laughed, then hissed — there was a searing pain in his ribs. “You can hurt me all you like!” he snarled at Loki. “But you’re still failing! You can’t turn me against Steve!”

“I have already told you,” Loki said and the pain in Loki’s ribs stopped, though they were achy and sore now. “I could turn you against Rogers with a simple snap of my fingers.”

“Then you might as well just do it that way,” Bucky bit out. “Because you’re never going to find anything in my head that’ll make me hate Steve.”

“Yes, yes,” Loki rolled his eyes. “Because you _love_ him.”

“Exactly,” Bucky nodded.

“And you think _loving someone_ is a sign of strength, do you?”

“Yes.”

“Well, it is not! It is a sign of weakness. _Love_ is the weakest and most loathsome point you can ever sink to.”

“You would think so,” Bucky nodded. “Whatever. I don’t expect _you_ to understand something as vast and beautiful as _love_.”

Loki glared at him. “As if I would want to.”

***

Though Steve was more determined than ever to find Bucky, no new stroke of luck presented itself  to the team — at least, not at first. Bucky was as lost to them as he had been for a the previous week.

Steve was beginning to lose hope. He was far from giving up, of course, but he was starting to worry that they’d never find him; that maybe he was already dead.

“Steve!” it was Scott that burst into his room eleven days after Loki snatched Bucky away. “Steve, we have surveillance photos! From last night! Dubai — Loki — an abandoned warehouse!”

Steve raised his eyebrows, leaping from his bed.

“We’re going now, all of us! Tony’s got a plan!” Scott said breathlessly. “He says we all need to suit up _now!_ ”

Steve nodded. “Got it. Go grab your suit and tell Tony I’ll be down in five minutes.”

Scott nodded then hurried off.

Steve hurried to get into his red, white, and blue suit. _This is good,_ he kept thinking to himself, _this is very good… I’m coming, Buck, I’m coming to get you._

***

As Loki delved into Bucky’s mind yet again, Bucky thought it odd that he had found a memory from before the war. For days now, Loki had been focused on things that had happened after Bucky and Steve left Wakanda, but now…

_Bucky was laying on his back on the couch, head propped up against the throw pillow that he and Steve had splurged on because Steve insisted that “it’ll really tie the room together”._

_Steve was laying on his stomach on top of Bucky, reading a book that he had laid out on Bucky’s chest._

_Every once in a while, Steve would start mouthing the words as he read, sometimes even murmuring them aloud, and Bucky would chuckle causing Steve to blush madly and go silent again._

_“Stevie?” Bucky said at last._

_“Sorry,” Steve mumbled. “I didn’t mean to, I just_ — _”_

_“No, Steve,” Bucky laughed. “I was just going to say… Could you read to me?”_

_“Wha_ — _oh!” Steve said and his face lit him in a brilliant grin. “Yeah, of course!”_

_Bucky smiled and Steve cleared his throat._

_“Right,” Steve said, cleared his throat once more, then read, “‘The room was in semigloom, for Scarlett had pulled down the shades to shut out the heat and brightness. Pin points of sunlight came in through minute holes in the shades and about the edges. The room was an oven and Scarlett’s sweat-drenched clothes never dried but became wetter and stickier as the hours went by. Prissy was crouched in a corner, sweating too, and smelled so abominably Scarlett would have sent her from the room had she not feared the girl would take to her heels if once out of sight. Melanie lay on the bed on a sheet dark with perspiration and splotched with dampness where Scarlett had spilled water. She twisted endlessly, to one side, to the other, to left, to right and back again.’”_

_Bucky didn’t miss the Steve wheezed, his voice growing raspier as he read on. His asthma was so bad this days, in the dead of winter; it was too dry for Steve’s good._

_“‘Sometimes she tried to sit up and fell back and began twisting again. At first, she had tried to keep from crying out, biting her lips until they were raw, and Scarlett, whose nerves were as raw as the lips, said huskily: “Melly, for God’s sake, don’t try to be brave. Yell if you want to. There’s nobody to hear you but us.”’”_

_Bucky felt himself beginning to nod off; he felt as if he were being wrapped up and rocked to sleep by the gentle sound of Steve’s voice…_

_“‘As the afternoon wore on, Melanie moaned whether she wanted to be brave or not, and sometimes she screamed. When she did, Scarlett dropped her head into her hands and covered her ears and twisted her body and wished that she herself were dead. Anything was preferable to being a helpless witness to such pain. Anything was better than being tied here waiting for a baby that took such a long time coming. Waiting, when for all she knew the Yankees were actually at Five Points.’”_

_Bucky was nearly asleep, standing precariously on the brink of consciousness and sweet oblivion._

_Steve leaned a little closer to him and kissed his forehead gently. “Love you, Buck.”_

Bucky woke, dazed and confused for a moment, then he looked up Loki who looked positively livid. Then, Bucky smiled.  


“ _What_ could you _possibly be smiling about?!_ ” Loki spat angrily.

“I — ” Bucky laughed, throwing his head back and just smiling. “I’d forgotten that he used to do that. I can’t even tell you how many times one of us fell asleep like that...and he was just reading… I miss that…”

Loki growled and dove back into Bucky’s memories.

_Bucky was curled up on the couch, watching Steve; he was focused on his sketchbook and the charcoal in his hand._

_“What’re you drawing?” Bucky asked._

_“What? Oh, nothing,” Steve said and quickly pushed the sketchbook away. He picked up a book that sat on the arm of the couch and settled down to read._

_“Stevie?”_

_“You want me to read to you?”_

_Bucky smiled. “You know me so well.”_

_Steve laughed and laid down, laying his head down in Bucky’s lap and holding the book over his face. In his wheezy, asthmatic voice, he began to read. “‘Ships at a distance have every man's wish on board. For some they come in with the tide. For others they sail forever on the horizon, never out of sight, never landing until the Watcher turns his eyes away in resignation, his dreams mocked to death by Time. That is the life of men._

_“‘Now, women forget all those things they don't want to remember, and remember everything they don't want to forget. The dream is the truth. Then they act and do things accordingly.’”_

_“Deep,” Bucky said._

_Steve glared. “If you’re going to make jokes, I’m not going to read to you.”_

_“Okay, okay!” Bucky said, suppressing a laugh. He ran his fingers through Steve’s hair. “Go on…”_

_Steve took a deep breath, cleared his throat, and went on; “‘So the beginning of this was a woman and she had come back from burying the dead. Not the dead of sick and ailing with friends at the pillow and the feet. She had come back from the sodden_ — _‘“_ _Steve paused and yawned, “‘_ — _and the bloated; the sudden dead, their eyes flung wide open in judgment.’”_

_“Tired?”_

_“I’m fine,” Steve insisted, though he yawned again. “‘The people all saw her come because it was sundown. The sun was gone, but he had left his footprints in_ — _’” YAWN, “‘_ — _the sky. It was the time for sitting on porches beside the road. It was the time to hear things and talk. These sitters_ — _’” YAWN, “‘_ — _had been tongueless, earless, eyeless conveniences all day long. Mules and other brutes had occupied their skins. But now, the sun_ — _’” this time he actually dropped the book on his face, then scrambled to pick it up and went on, “‘_ — _and the bossman were gone, so the skins felt powerful and human. They...became lords of sounds and lesser...things. They passed….’”_

_“Yes?” Bucky said with a chuckle, but the book had fallen onto Steve’s chest; he was asleep, his asthma causing him to snore soundly as it always did. “I love you,” he whispered._

_He reached to the coffee table and picked up the sketchbook that Steve had pushed away and smiled. He felt his face grow warm in a blush as he looked down at the half finished charcoal drawing of his own face which was smiling lazily._

Bucky woke, gasping and spluttering. “ _STOP!_ ”

“NO!”

_“‘She held the screen door open and the man came in, bringing a smell of sweat with him. The boys edged behind him and they went immediately to the candy case and stared in — not with craving or with hope or even with desire, but just with a kind of wonder that such things could be. They were alike in size and their faces were alike. One scratched his dusty ankle with the toenails of his other foot. The other whispered some soft message and then they straightened their arms so that their clenched fists in the overall pockets showed through the thin blue cloth.’”_

_“Hm?” Bucky said._

_“You fell asleep,” Steve said accusingly but then he laughed._

_“Yeah, I suppose I did,” Bucky blushed. “Sorry…”_

_Steve smiled and laid down on top of him. “It’s okay,” he said and kissed his lips lightly. “Make it up to me?”_

_Bucky grinned and flipped them over so that he was pinning Steve down to the couch. He kissed him feverishly, slipping his hands up under Steve’s shirt and_ —

“ENOUGH!” Bucky shouted, and for the first time he ripped himself from the depths of his mind. “ENOUGH! _THAT. IS. PRIVATE._ ”

“You are stronger than I could have ever expected,” Loki seethed. “No mortal has ever been able to defy me.”

“Yeah, well —  STOP IT!” Bucky bellowed as Loki reached his hand out toward him. “NO! NO! ENOUGH!” Bucky didn’t know what he would do to stop Loki from entering his mind — what _could_ he do, really? He considered thrashing out and biting Loki’s outstretched hand but he wasn’t sure that would do him much good.

Loki slowly lowered his hand and looked at Bucky almost curiously. “You really do love him,” he said and if Bucky didn’t know better he’d say that Loki seemed amazed by this realization. “You have more love than I have ever seen for that man. In your eyes, he is perfect.”

“Yes,” Bucky nodded.

“Very well,” Loki huffed. “I give up! Clearly you are perfect for one another, a match made in heaven I’m sure! When is the wedding?!”

It was so sudden, so unexpected, that Bucky was visibly taken aback.

“Oh? What is this?” Loki said. He got very close to Bucky and pressed a single finger to his forehead.

Bucky tried to jerk away but found himself suddenly immobilized. Loki stared at him with that one finger pressed against his forehead for a long time before a spoke, in a low and pleased tone, “ _Oho_ … So there will be no wedding, then?”

Bucky swallowed hard. “Shut up,” he croaked.

“Tell me, Barnes…” Loki chuckled. “Why doesn’t he want to marry you?”

“ _I don’t know_ ,” Bucky spat. “But it’s _none of your business!_ ”

“Oh, but I think it is,” Loki grinned maliciously. He stretched a hand out toward Bucky’s face but this time, instead of falling into a memory, Bucky screamed in agony.

***

    They looked like quite an odd group as they marched up to the abandoned warehouse where they believed Loki was hiding Bucky.

    Captain America in his star spangled suit, his equally red, white, and blue shield held tightly in his fist; Iron Man in his metal suit of red and gold armor; Black Widow in her skin tight, jet black uniform that made her every move look almost catlike as well as making her fiery red hair stand out more than it already did; Hawkeye in his leathery suit, with his quiver of arrows slung across his back and his beloved bow clasped tightly in his hand; the Hulk, who usually appeared as Bruce Banner but was now a huge green monster the size of a small building; Thor, a demigod dressed in Asgardian armor, with the hammer that deemed him worthy held close; Ant Man in his full body leather suit, ready to shrink to the size of an insect at any given moment; Vision, an all knowing being made completely of vibranium; the Scarlet Witch, dressed in a smooth velvet jacket and propelling herself alongside of group using her magic; the Black Panther in his black suit made of the strongest metal on the planet, the helmet of which extended and formed cat ears; Spider-Man, the youngest of all the heroes, in his one piece suit embroidered with glistening spider webs across his chest; the Falcon, in his leather vest with his metal wings strapped to his back, flying beside Wanda; War Machine, in his grey metal suit designed specifically so that he could still fight despite his paralysis.

    “Okay, Steve, what’s the plan?” Tony turned to the super soldier.

    “I — I thought you’d want to make the plan,” Steve said. “Seeing as, you know, you don’t think I’m emotionally capable at the moment to —”

    “Forget all of that,” Tony said. “What’s the plan?”

    “Wait a second,” Peter said. “Are you telling me that we’re marching up this warehouse where _Loki_ is hiding out, and we _don’t have a plan?_ ”

    “That’s about right,” Clint nodded.

    “Okay, Bruce?” Steve said and the Hulk growled, looking down at Steve. “You’re going to stay out here — stand guard in case Loki tries to escape. Thor and T’Challa — I want you out here, too. Be ready to catch Loki if you need to. Everyone else, follow me.”

    Inside, Steve looked around cautiously. He held his shield up in front of him. Before him, there were three hallways that headed off in three different directions. “Right,” he nodded. “Scott, Sam, and Rhodey — go left. Peter, Tony, Vision — go right. Wanda, Clint, and Natasha — with me. Move out.”

    Steve set off, down the middle hallway, shield still held out in front of him; Clint had and arrow in his bow, ready to shoot if the need presented itself; Natasha had a gun in each hand, ready to do the same; Wanda had her hands held out in front of her.

    At the end of the hallway, they came to a doorway.

    “I’ll go in first,” Steve said and Natasha opened her mouth to protest but he held up a hand. “I’m going in first, Natasha, and that’s final.”

    Natasha crossed her arms and glared, but Steve paid her no mind. He passed through the doorway.

    The room beyond had three other entrances; it was dimly lit and it took a minute for Steve’s eyes adjust, but when they did he saw — in the center of the room, on his knees — _Bucky_ ; his Bucky.

    “Buck?!” He cried worriedly and ran to him, dropping down in front of him. He threw his shield aside and cupped Bucky’s face in his hands. “Bucky? Can you hear me?”

    Bucky looked up slowly and when his gaze met Steve’s, Steve gasped. “Yes, I can hear you,” Bucky bit out. His eyes — _his eyes!_ — were glowing in a sickening shade of blue.

    “Bucky, listen to me,” Steve said in a low voice. “Listen to me very carefully; Loki is controlling you, okay? This isn’t you! Whatever you’re thinking about doing right now, _it isn’t_ —”

    Bucky wrapped his metal arm around Steve’s throat and lifted him off the ground. “It isn’t, is it?”

    “Hey!” Natasha yelled as she, Clint, and Wanda burst into the room. “Put him down, Barnes!”

    Bucky acted as if he hadn’t heard her. “What’s wrong with me, Steve?”

    “Wha—” Steve choked.

    “ _What’s wrong with me?_ ” Bucky hissed. “ _Why don’t you want me?_ ”

    Steve stared at him, bewildered.

    Clint let one of his arrows fly and Bucky dropped Steve who crumpled to the ground, landing in a heap; Bucky reached up and caught the arrow in his metal fist.

    Steve looked up at Bucky. “There’s nothing wrong with you, Bucky,” Steve said hoarsely, breathlessly, sounding almost as if his asthma had returned to him; Bucky twitched. “I will — I will always want you!”

    “But you don’t,” Bucky shook his head. “You don’t.”

    “What are you —”

    Bucky knelt down. “ _Why won’t you marry me, then?_ ”

    Steve froze. “What?”

    Bucky snarled, lifted him by the front of his suit, and hurled him across the room.

    Clint aimed another arrow at Bucky; Natasha raised both shotguns and pointed them at him; Wanda’s hand were lit like torches with her red magic.

    From the entrance to the left of where Bucky stood, Sam and Scott came rushing in. “Rhodey’s suit stopped working and he —” Sam froze. “Clint… Nat… Wanda...what’s going on? What’re you doing?”

    “Where’s Steve?” Scott asked.

    Natasha jerked her head toward the corner where Steve was struggling to his feet.

    Bucky leaned down and picked up Steve’s discarded shield, holding it protectively in front of himself.

    “Don’t hurt him!” Steve choked out.

    On the other side of the room, Tony, Vision, and Peter appeared in the doorway.

    “Whoa,” Tony said. “You split up for a half hour and you miss so much.”

    “He’s been brainwashed,” Natasha said.

    “ _What?!_ ” Peter raised his eyebrows.

    “I was under the impression that he had been cured of everything Hydra had done to him,” Vision said.

    “Not like that,” Clint said. “Loki’s controlling him.”

    “ _NO, HE’S NOT!_ ” Bucky bellowed angrily.

    “I’m really not, you know,” Loki appeared in the fourth entrance to the room. “Well, I may have given him a bit of a helping hand, but he gave me the means. He told me exactly what was wrong with Captain Rogers, in his eyes.”

    Steve glared at Loki.

    “I dove deep within his mind,” Loki chuckled. “There were, truly, some heartwarming memories in there.”

    “Shut up!” Steve snapped.

    “You really are a perfect match, you know,” Loki said, slowly walking closer and closer to Bucky. “So, I must ask, why _won’t_ you marry him?”

    “I...have my reasons,” Steve said through gritted teeth.

    Bucky scowled at him, the sickening blue in his eyes glowing impossibly brighter.

    Though every hero around the room stood in a fight stance, facing Loki and Bucky, none of them dared to attack — surely, if they were to try and take a swing at Loki, the demigod would squash Bucky like an ant.

    “He won’t marry you, Bucky,” Tony said. “Because of this.”

    Both Bucky and Loki turned to face Tony, frowned, and said, “What?”

    “ _Tony_ ,” Steve said warningly but Tony ignored him.

    “Bucky, listen to me,” Tony said, and he dared to take a few steps closer. “Steve confided in me — he told me why he won’t marry you!”

    “Oh, so he’ll tell _you?_ ” Bucky spat. “Not _me_ , no, but _you, of course!_ ”

    “Yes, me,” Tony nodded. “And not you — because he knew if he told you why he wouldn’t marry you, you would convince him that it was stupid and you would break his resolve! He was scared!”

    Bucky stared at Tony and Loki said, “How so?”

    Tony sighed, not daring to look at the betrayed look on Steve’s face. “He thought that if he married you, it would make the target that’s already on your back a whole lot bigger. There are people — dangerous people — who would love to see Steve dead and they’ll use any means necessary! Steve thought that if he married you, those people would use you to get to him! Look at Loki, surely using you to try and take all of us down!”

    The glow in Bucky’s eyes flickered and Loki glared at Tony.

    “You didn’t expect so many of us, though, did you, Loki?” Tony smirked. “You expected it to be just me, Steve, Natasha, Clint, Banner, and your brother, right? But oh, how we’ve expanded.”

    Loki stared around at all of the heroes that surrounded him, then turned back to Tony. “Yes, well, I’m sure I’d be very intimidated if I was capable of such a thing.”

    Tony shrugged and turned his attention back to Bucky. “I think Steve may even realize now that he was pretty foolish to think that people like Loki would care about a difference like whether you’re dating or whether you’re married…”

    Bucky turned and looked at Steve who just stared back.

    “Bucky,” Tony said and Bucky turned back to him. “There are a little of people out there who want to hurt Steve… But you’re not one of those people. I’m sure of it.”

    The glow in Bucky’s eyes flickered again. It flickered and flickered before going out altogether, leaving the real blue of his eyes behind.

    “Well,” Loki huffed. “I know a lost cause when I see one. I’ll be off.”

    Clint let another arrow soar but Loki stuck his hand out, stopping it in midair, spinning it around, and sending it flying back toward Clint. Natasha screamed in rage, aiming her gun and pulling the trigger.

    Less than a moment after the loud _BANG_ filled the air, Loki snapped his fingers and was gone into thin air, but the bullet was already airborne and there was no stopping it.

    “NO!!” Natasha screamed.

    “BUCKY! _BUCKY!_ ” Steve raced to Bucky’s side as he crumpled to the floor, the front of his shirt stained dark red. “No no no no no no no! Stay with me… Stay with me, Buck…”

    Natasha sank to the floor beside Clint (who had an arrow buried deep into his leg). Natasha quickly began tending to Clint, wrenching the arrow from his flesh, all the while muttering, “What have I done, what have I done, _what have I done_ ….?”

    “Come on, Bucky, you’re okay…” Steve whispered. “Tony?” He said desperately.

    “I’ve got medics on the way in a helicopter,” Tony said.

“We need to get him outside,” Sam said urgently. “We should get him on that helicopter the second we can. No point staying here.”

“What have I done?” Natasha muttered no matter how many times Clint tried to console her.

Steve lifted Bucky who moaned miserably. He marched down the hallway, everyone following closely behind him.

Outside, he knelt down in the grass and held Bucky close to him. “You’re okay,” he said again, more for his own benefit than Bucky’s at this point. Bucky was extremely out of it.

“What happened?” T’Challa asked.

“I — I shot Loki — but he disappeared — I can’t —” Natasha shook her head. She was knelt down on the ground, letting Clint lean on her, but she was staring off into space with a terrified look on  her face.

“It wasn’t your fault, Nat,” Clint said.

“Where is Loki?” Thor demanded.

“He disappeared,” Wanda said and shook her head. “Magic. We won’t be able to find him, not today.”

Thor sighed.

Tony emerged from the building a few minutes later, having gone back for Rhodey whose suit had malfunctioned and stopped assisting him with his paralysis.

Bruce was shrunk down to a normal size by the time the helicopter showed up.

“Look, Buck,” Steve said. “Look, the helicopter is here. You’re going to be okay, see?”

Bucky looked up at him, dazed and confused, and said quite simply, “I love you…”

“Don’t do that,” Steve shook his head. “Don’t say goodbye. You’ve got to stay with me, okay? We — we’ve to get married, don’t we?” But he wasn’t getting another response.

Bucky was lifted into the helicopter and Steve followed him quickly. The medics then hauled Clint into the helicopter and began to tend to his leg, Natasha followed him. Lastly, they brought Rhodey aboard and then the medics asked the rest of them if they had a way to get home.

“We’ve got a ship not from from here,” Bruce nodded.

The medics nodded, then they were off, lifting up, up, up into the sky… And then they were gone.

***

Steve was alone at Bucky’s bedside for a few days.

Natasha was with Clint and Tony was with Rhodey; Bruce was keeping Natasha company and Peter was keeping Tony company; Wanda, Sam, and Scott were handling the press; T’Challa had returned to Wakanda, seeing as he _did_ have a country to run.

Somewhere along the way, they’d forgotten about Steve and left him to sit with an unconscious, borderline comatose Bucky.

Three days after arriving in the hospital, however, Natasha remembered him. She walked in, without a word, and sat down. She didn’t look at Steve when she spoke.  


“I didn’t forget about you, you know,” she said. “I just didn’t know how to face you.”

Steve had expected this, of course, but he didn’t blame Natasha in the slightest. “Nat, it wasn’t your fault.”

“That’s what Clint and Bruce have been telling me,” Natasha said.

“And they’re absolutely right,” Steve insisted.

“I’ve never missed before,” Natasha hissed.

“And you didn’t this time,” Steve said. “Not really. Your aim was perfect — if Loki had been standing there, the bullet would have hit him. But he disappeared and he was standing right in front of Bucky.”

“ _Bad luck?_ ” Natasha spat. “Bucky could die!”

“The doctors say he’ll be fine,” Steve shook his head.

“But he _could have died!_ ” Natasha cried.

“But he _didn’t!_ ” Steve said. “Okay, Natasha? Do you see? He’s alive, and in time, he’ll be fine.”

Natasha finally looked at Steve who smiled reassuringly at her. She nodded, then said something about needing to get back to Clint, and got up.

She paused in the doorway, looked over her shoulder and said, “Please — Steve, please — tell me that after all this, you’re going to marry him when he gets out of here.”

Steve sighed. “Goodbye, Natasha.”

“You’re unbelievable,” she shook her head and stormed away.

Steve sighed again.

The day after Natasha’s rather brief visit, Tony walked into the hospital room and drew up a chair beside Steve. “Hey, Cap,” he said.

“Hi, Tony,” Steve said weakly.

“Natasha swung by yesterday,” Tony said. “After she came to see you. She said that the doctors are saying Bucky is going to live?”

Steve sighed — okay, so he had told a _teensy_ lie for the sake of Natasha’s sanity. Was that so bad? “They’re saying he _could_ live,” Steve said. “They’re also saying that he _could_ die. They’re just not sure anymore. They’re getting more and more worried every day that he doesn’t wake up.”

“And what about you?” Tony asked.

“What _about_ me?” Steve raised his eyebrows.

“What do you think? Are you worried?” Tony asked. “You know him better than anyone; is he going to survive?”

“I — I really don’t know, Tony,” Steve shook his head. “I mean, everything Hydra did to his brain is gone, but his body is still the same, I mean, we can’t reverse those experiments. His anatomy is vastly similar to mine — in short, he’s a super soldier just like I am. He should have healed by now.”  
  
    Tony considered everything Steve said, shrugged, and said, “Give it more time,” and Steve snorted. “No, I’m serious!” Tony said. “Loki weakened him. Remember Clint? He wasn’t right for weeks after Loki messed with his head. Bucky will come round, just like Clint did.”

Steve didn’t say anything.

“Oh, and speaking of Clint,” Tony said. “He went home today — Rhodey, too.”

“Good, that’s good,” Steve nodded.

“You should, too,” Tony said.

Steve whipped around and looked at Tony as if he had just said something highly offensive. “You _are joking_ , right?” he snapped.

“No, Steve, I’m _not_ joking,” Tony said.

Steve scoffed.

“You need sleep! Real sleep, in your bed,” Tony sighed.

“I have to stay with Bucky!” Steve exclaimed.

“I know,” Tony nodded. “I’m not saying go home until tomorrow, just — just for a couple hours, Steve. I’ll stay with Bucky. Vision said he’ll look after Rhodey until I get back to the compound. Just go home for a few hours.”  


Steve stared at him for a long time, looking almost as if he were considering it, but then he shook his head. “No. I’m staying here.”

“Well, so am I, then,” Tony crossed his arms and leaned back in his chair.

“What? Why?”  


“I’m going to keep an eye on you,” Tony said. “You’ve been going nonstop for two weeks between Bucky being taken and sitting here waiting for him to wake up — you’ve been working yourself harder than any of us. And even before Bucky was taken, you were working hard to find Loki and you were under a lot of stress because of things going on at home. You look like death itself and I’m not leaving you alone.”

Steve rolled his eyes. “Fine, whatever.”

So Tony stayed that night, although while he slept Steve remained wide awake.

He sighed and thought that maybe he’d go, just for a few minutes, run down to the gift shop and see if he could find a notebook and a pen. He hadn’t drawn anything since his days in the war and he wondered if he still had the knack for it. Maybe he —

Bucky groaned — it sounded low and painful, but it was the first noise he’d made in days and Steve’s heart leapt hopefully.

“Buck?” Steve said softly.

“Steve,” Bucky murmured.

“I’m here, I’m here,” Steve said, getting closer to the bed and grabbing hold of Bucky’s hand.

“ _No_ ,” Bucky said weakly, trying to pull his metal hand from Steve’s grasp.

“Stop, Bucky,” Steve said. “You’re not going to hurt me.”

“I could’ve — killed you,” Bucky said.

“But you didn’t,” Steve whispered.

Bucky opened his eyes as Steve pulled his metal hand up to his lips and kissed the cool metal fingers. “Steve — I —” Bucky croaked. “I could’ve hurt you. Loki — would’ve made me hurt if you —”

“But you fought back,” Steve said. “You didn’t let him make you —”

“That was all Tony,” Bucky shook his head. “If he hadn’t —”

“He helped,” Steve said. “But if you hadn’t been fighting back — and I mean _really fight back_ — then Tony wouldn’t have been able to do anything, you hear me?”

Bucky stared at him for a long time, then murmured, “Tired,” and let his heavy eyelids fall shut.

“Okay,” Steve nodded, still holding Bucky’s metal hand.

A few minutes passed in silence before Bucky spoke again, “Did you mean it?”

“Did I mean what, Buck?”

Bucky opened his eyes. “Did you mean it when — after I was shot — when you said that I had to stay alive because — because we had to get married,” his eyes were brimmed with tears and Steve knew — he just knew — that Bucky was waiting to be shot down, waiting for Steve to tell him that they couldn’t get married.

Steve smiled and Bucky looked half hopeful, half horrified. Steve leaned in, brushed Bucky’s hair out of his face, and kissed his forehead. “Yes,” he said. “I meant every word.”

Bucky sobbed and behind Steve, there came a happy whoop.

Steve whipped around and Bucky looked up in surprise, happy tears spilling all over his cheeks, as Tony leapt up. “It’s about time! It’s about fucking time! Oh my god, Steve, you’ve been so _stupid,_ my god!”

“Forgot you were there, Tony,” Steve sighed but Bucky was laughing.

“Oh, man, I’ve got to go,” Tony said. “I’ve got to tell the whole team.”

“What? Shouldn’t _we_ do that?” Steve raised his eyebrows.

“No! I want my money!” Tony said.

“Tony, do you mean to tell me that you made a bet on whether or not we were going to get married?” Steve scowled. “Just like —”

“Just like when you said you weren’t going to get a dog,” Tony nodded. “I won the bet then, and I won it now! Oh, Clint is going to be ecstatic! He bet on the same side as me last time. Natasha is going to be pissed though, she lost last time, too. Although, I’m starting to think maybe she and Clint always bet on different sides so they make money either way. Hmmm… Anyway, got to dash. Bye! Congratulations! Feel well soon, Bucky!”

“Thanks, Tony,” Bucky said, still laughing, while Steve just glared at Tony’s retreating back.

***

They got married outside, in yard at the Avengers compound.

To Tony’s great surprise, Steve asked him to be his best man. “I — wow, Steve,” he said. “I — I never thought — I thought maybe — Clint — but — wow.”

“Why would you count yourself out?” Steve asked, shaking his head.

Tony mumbled something about “everything that had happened between the two of them” and Steve laughed, shaking his head again.

“Tony,” he sighed. “That’s all in the past. You’re one of my best friends.”

Bucky didn’t know who he was going to ask. He asked Steve for advice and his fiance made a good point —

“Clint,” Bucky nodded. “Yeah, that’s a good idea.”

While Tony had been touched and uncharacteristically emotional when asked him to be Steve’s best man, Clint — in a very Clint fashion — nodded and said, “Sure, why not?”

On the day of the wedding, the compound was quite full.

Bucky — and even Steve — had never see Tony, Bruce, Thor, Clint, Natasha, Wanda, Vision, Sam, Scott, Peter, T’Challa, Maria, or Nick so dressed up (and Bucky and Steve _certainly_ had never gotten this dressed up).

Wanda strung white flowers together and wrapped them around Sergeant and Hope’s collars.

The ceremony wasn’t long, but both Steve and Bucky felt happier than they ever had for those brief minutes.

When the kissed, though, Steve felt a sense of doom pooling in his stomach — he couldn’t shake the feeling that in doing this, in marrying Bucky, he was putting him in terrible danger.

After the ceremony, they all went inside to eat and drink and tell stories. It was fun, really, and it almost made Steve forget about his worries. That is, until Tony and Pepper said they had an announcement to make.

Steve looked worried — the last time Tony and Pepper had an announcement to make, it had caused a lot of shit between him and Bucky.

“We’re having a baby!” they exclaimed together.

Steve looked at Bucky with a horror stricken expression, but Bucky didn’t seem to be getting any ideas about having a kid.

Steve breathed a sigh of relief and accepted that — for now, at least — everything was okay.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you've enjoyed the second installment, whether or not you read the first one!


End file.
